Saturday, November 6, 2010

Own it

Everything from the bad to the good...OWN IT!

It's what makes up your life. It's what created who you are.

Even the stupid, maybe even wrong decisions...if you learned from them, OWN THEM!
Throw the stuff out the window that could forever bring you guilt and keep the valued lessons that you learned.

This is YOUR life. YOU are incharge of your happiness. It's not your Mom's job, it's not your Husband's job, or your Boyfriend's job (in my case), to make you happy! They have their own happiness to worry about. Do what you expect of yourself. When it's a bad day, do what you need to do to make it better, don't rely on flowers or kind deeds from others. You are your own guarantee.

Tomorrow everything could go away and what will you be left with?...YOU. You are not a product of others choices or your environment. You are a product of what you decide you are. Own what you do, own what you say, own what you create, own what you love and dislike, change the things you don't approve of in yourself, add the things you expect of yourself.




Thursday, November 4, 2010

Be Where You Are

Now that I feel I have weathered the storm and have "Stayed Standing" now I need to be grounded.

I have lived in my head for a year. Now it's time to face my life, own my life, live my new life.
All the bad days, all the good days, all the tired, frustrating, happy, thrilling, moments, are now all MINE!

I don't want to be the sad story anymore. My life will not be the result of someones wrong life will be the result of MY choices!

When I'm with my kids, I want to be WITH MY KIDS.
When I'm at work, I want to be AT WORK.
When I'm at Church, I want to be AT CHURCH.
When I'm with my friends, I want to be WITH MY FRIENDS.

I want to simply BE WHERE I AM.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Goodmorning Sunshine

In my depth of despair..after being curled up in the corner feeling abandoned by the world. After hours of staring at my scriptures, not knowing what else to do with myself. A long drive home not knowing how I was going to continue my life once I arrived home. I sat in my car looking at the front door, tears streaming down my seemed no where to be found.

DING - a text message on my phone

Open my phone....

"Goodmorning Sunshine"

Then a new sweet voice on the phone brought me new hope, and all the strength I needed to get out of the car and begin my life, once again.

Thank goodness for Angels and unforseen answers to pleading prayers.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Now...everything is gone.

What?! No!? Can't be?! were my anchor. were my peace.
You..were my shoulder to cry on.
You ..caught my tears, you heard my screams, you listened, you understood.
You...the friend I was going to grow old with. beacon of hope. laughter in the middle of a storm. getaway. morning, lunchtime, anytime phone calls.

How?! Not this!? Not to me?! Not you! I need you!!!!!

Then a phone call....

Where is that voice? That calming, caring, loving, peaceful voice? The one that use to say, "Are you okay? Take a deep breath. Let's just think about this...I'm so sorry...everything's going to be okay." You, you are gone too!

What is happening to everyone!? Where is everyone going!?

It's a good thing I have myself put back together, or I would disappear!
But, I'll keep going and just tell myself.."I'm okay, everything's going to be okay."

Friday, October 8, 2010

Who needs 'em?

Church goin'
Dinner mak'n'
Health Conscious
Hard Work'n'
Service Oriented

Who needs all that in a girl when they have virtual perfection, a job that gives them gratification, desperate girls to flirt with, pretend worlds online to escape to...what does a plate of cookies and a pretty face count for anymore?

Who Knows!? I think the idea of a 'MAN' has been made up.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

My Angel

I knew I had to move.

So here I was, wondering why? What am I suppose to be doing here?

Then she moved in and I instantly know what I'm doing here.

She needs me just as much as I need her.

I can just walk in at anytime. I can open her fridge, I can fix dinner, do house chores, and stay as long as I want. She doesn't have a husband that comes home either.

She is what I had been praying for. I knew I needed a strong spiritual influence in my life. She has shown me what Faith is. I thought I had it before, but I don't think I have ever know how to actually use it.

She makes me feel needed. I am useful and am making a difference in her life. And in return, she has changed me forever. My Faith has become unwavering. My Spirit is renewed. I have a clear understanding of who I am and where I am going.

Even though there are still tough spots ahead and sad days, I do know that this life will be amazing for me and my kids. On the clear headed days where I am filled with the Spirit, it is overwhelming to have the knowledge of great blessings to come.

Thank you ANGEL! There is a special place waiting for you in Heaven along side your sweatheart.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I Miss....

I miss my friends.
I miss my church calling.
I miss coaching.
I miss my neighbor.
I miss my kids' friends.
I miss my family.
I miss my house.
I miss my big bed.
I miss my dog.
I miss my kitchen.
I miss doing preschool.
I miss getting up in the morning and going to bed at night.
I miss going to the gym.
I miss my dishes.
I miss making bread.
I miss my garden.
I miss my front porch.
I miss grocery shopping.
I miss coupons.
I miss my back yard.
I miss remodeling.
I miss my kitchen appliances.
I miss my kids' toys.
I miss my food storage.
I miss playgroup.
I miss the church building.
I miss baking treats for parties.

It's just too much to miss, it just hurts today.

Monday, September 13, 2010

That GUT feeling

Somethings just not right?----You ARE right.
Maybe I should do...----YES you should.

Recent GUT feeling: About a week ago I had a thought to invite a neighbor over for dinner. It's all I could think about all day. Didn't really think about what we would have for dinner, or how we would get everyone around the table just really wanted to have her and her family over for dinner.

Since then, we have come to the conclusion that we are each others angels. I am where I am because I needed her and she needed me. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father that knows better than me.

Gut feeling last year: I rarely watch TV. I caught a glimpse of a Dateline special that would be airing the following Friday. I randomly set it to record. All week I found myself so anxious to watch it. I cut a visit with a friend short to go home and watch it. As I watched, it was interesting but then it hit...a simple sentence from a man that had endured the unimaginable in disappointment..."This is what I will do until I die, if that is what it takes, I will simply keep marching." I think of that quote everyday.

Someone elses Gut feeling: I was in horrible despair and a friend knocked on my door. She had never casually dropped by. It was fairly late. And she just felt like she should. I needed her there that instant. So grateful for her listening to that feeling.

Listen to your 'GUT' it's actually your spirit telling you where you should be and what you should be doing. I find it funny that we are so amazed when we find out we were right to follow it. I think when we get to Heaven and realize our infinite potential we will laugh at the things we had once been amazed by.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What a THRILL!

Before I was married I remember...
Every song on the radio made you feel something.
Missing him so much it physically hurt.
Looking at his picture until I fell asleep.
Hearing his voice on the phone made my heart stop.
Waiting for his plane to arrive was unbearable.
All the thrill, all the heart racing, all the kisses, all the passion, all the long eye contact.
The dropping everything just to spend a few moments together.

Where does all that go when you get married?

I get to have all of that all over again. Can that kind of passion stick? Can you have that while married? If not, I think I'll stay with the heart racing, thrilling, unbearably amazing stuff.

Maybe it would get exhausting and that's when people get married, just because they get tired of the thrill, and it would just be nice to simply come home to someone, rather than surreal weekends away.

Hmmm. For now, I'll take the thrill.
After dull dull horrible, complete thrill is a breath of fresh air!

Thursday, September 2, 2010


First Day of School! My Lulu is finally everything she has been dreaming of. Since I can remember she has been a big girl. She has wanted to go to school, wearing a Hannah Montana backpack and cute hair. And there she went, skipping away, through the doors and gone.

Life is moving fast now. There are no moments to stand still, only moments to sit and cuddle, but I feel in a rush to get everything out of the moments I have. I know that the life I have right now is just a first step in a whole new life. I will look back on the short time we lived in my cute basement and remember it being great. I don't want to have any regrets. I want to do everything I can with these moments in my life.

I'm sure one day I will be waking up to a husband again, fixing breakfast, doing laundry, making dinner, cleaning, ironing his shirts, etc. For now, there are no fancy dinners to make, no shirts to iron, no need to shave my legs (but, I still do cause that would be gross), and I get to have the closet all to my self! I get to shop whenever I want to without okaying it with someone. It won't be like this forever, and there will be things that I will miss about this life when I'm married again.

I will love these moments. I will love them all. They will be gone too soon. I love that I get to cherish my little kiddos extra. They are everything I have.

(It's obviously, a good day)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Family Videos

I was with my family today. I have an amazing family.

Everything a family can be, they are.

At first it feels so nice to be around all the love, all the wholeness of all the families.

But, after a bit, after watching home movies, watching husbands sit by their wives, or give loving looks across a crowd of people, it starts all the questions of when will I have a whole family again? Having kids get to pick Mom or Dad's lap and then switch when they want. Watching a mom ask her husband to get their daughters shoes while she changes their sons diaper. Stupid things like that, make me miss my simple boring married life.

What will my kids' home videos look like? When I put together a missionary farewill video for Doodah, what will flash across the screen? Somehow, what seems like seperate lives to me, will be his one life. He won't get a graduation picture with his Mom and Dad's arms around him. He won't get his wedding picture with his parents holding hands.

How did this happen?! My life is now the way I want it, but it's not anything they deserve or will want. They deserve better.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Weird and Random

A few weeks ago I decided to get some nice expensive salon Shampoo.

Then I got my hair cut.
Then I colored it.
I've been out in the sun alot.

My hair started being really weird. Felt like it hadn't been washed for a few days.
I stripped it with Apple Cider Vinegar, a little better, but just not normal.

So, then I did the math and realized that it had to be my 'awesome' new Shampoo.
Went to WalMart, got some good 'ol Pantene and Waallah, instantly back to silky smooth hair!

What a relief, I thought my hair was ruined!

P.S. nice to blog about something 'normal'.

Best for them

I read a book about keeping kids out of the middle.

It was interesting to learn that one of the most important things is to give the kids closure.
To not give then any sense of false hope.

That means that having both parents sit down for dinner, or have both parents at the original 'home' would only be confusing and giving them a false sense of hope.

What is most important is to give them confidence and security in the new seperate lives that each parent is building.

So, don't fall into the trap of 'but it's for the kids' , 'we should do what's best for them'. What is best for them is to know that it's going to be okay having one kind of life with Mom and another kind of life with Dad. What they need is consistent confidence that this new Divorce life is going to be okay.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Wit u Mom

Doodah melts my heart every morning.

I hear my door open, i roll over and we are face to face.

"I sleep wit u, mom?"

Ya. I pull him up. He puts his little hands on my face and insists on me holding his other hand.
He will get tired and wiggle away, but it doesn't take long before those tiny hands are looking for me again. He will play with my hair and tickle my arm.

Sometimes it's so much that it brings tears to my eyes. How does this tiny little boy know that I desperately need to know I'm needed? And just a soft touch and sweet smile of love gives me everything I need to build a whole new life.

I love you Doodah!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hug it Out

My Lulu and I have always had an 'intense' relationship. Since Day 1 she was a Daddy's girl and we instantly had too much in common, head strong and determined, and that has made for some frustrating days.

But, recently, when the emotions get a little escalated, and frustration is setting in. I look at her with a smerk on my face and ask her if we're gonna need to 'hug it out'. She stays angry and stomps her feet and yells NO! I grab her and squeeze her tight. She fights it and I say, Oh I guess we're gonna have to hug it out longer than I thought. I don't let go until we're both laughing and she says 'I love you Mom'.

So, not only have I illiminated frustrating situations, I get more hugs and more 'I love you's' from my cutest, most determined little girl. I love you Lulu!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Just good

For being forced to start my life completely over, I'd say I have a pretty great start.

Thanks to all my family and friends, I'm back on my feet.

My kids are happier than they've been in a long time. I'm a better mom than I've been in a long time. We all have so much to look forward to. Sports events, Dance classes, New School, new Friends, and coming soon, our new BATHROOM!!! (I'm mostly excited for that).

My cute, new, little family, is Happy and Healthy. Can't ask for much more than that! Well, I could, but it's just not gonna happen right now. So, I'll be thrilled with Healthy and Happy.

Friday, August 20, 2010


Have you ever needed something so bad that you physically tremble?

I can't say I've ever been addicted to something, but now I understand the meaning of NEED.

Once you've made something a part of what defines who you are, and then to shut it off and put it away until....?


I wish I knew, because sometimes it's more than I can take.

And it's not FAIR!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

End of the Divorce Diet

I guess when you're not...
Stressed to the max everyday.
So depressed you want to die.
Fasting until you pass out (literally)
Working out, because you don't know what else to do.
Pass on cake because it will make you more depressed.

And instead can overly enjoy spoonfuls of cookie dough that your mom makes.
Get 3 cakes for your birthday.
And think, I have no dates to go on, mine as well eat cake!

Then, one would tend to gain some weight back, dang it!!!,
(I need some 'crazy' back in my life)

Maybe running around with my kiddos will do the's to hoping! (or should I say 'hopping' that would burn more calories)

Anyway, got to go do some jumping jacks or something, ugh.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Cold feet

Last night I woke up to find myself looking for warm legs to tuck my cold feet under.

What a devastating realization, when I realized my current situation.

You would think after sleeping by myself now for almost a year, I wouldn't do things like that.

Sometimes I just miss someone being there for me. Someone that I chose to be mine.
Someone that loves me because they choose to. Someone that I can tuck my cold feet under.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Suddenly Mom!

The majority of my journal entries for the Summer have been:
"Slept, worked out, went to work"

Now in 1 day:

Chores. Crafts. Messes. Breakfast.
11am- pack lunches. Park.
2pm- meet preschool teacher. Snuggle time. Snack.
4:30pm- get everyone ready to go. Leave for Dance.
5pm-Dance Class.
6pm- meet GandG with kids.
7pm- Drop off Product for Charity
8pm- at Work

What did I use to do all day, without random messes to clean up?!

I'm loving the chaos! I'm loving the kisses and the little hands.
I'm loving the Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. My ears still need to get use to it, but..I LOVE IT!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Which is my real house?

While riding in the car today.
Listening to the Disney Radio Station.
On our way to the Grocery Store.

Out of the blue: "Mom, which house is my real house?"

Me: "Well, Mom's house is your real house during school. And Dad's house is your real house during the Summer."

I hate that she has to figure this all out too.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

What makes you tick?

What makes your head start spinning?

What makes you walk a little taller?

What makes you feel unstoppable?

What makes you feel alive?

You know...the feeling that you aren't in your head, you are living for real, you just doing and being. You talk a little faster, you walk a little taller.

For me, it's business. Don't know how or when that happened. It thrills me. I went to a Wholesale trade show yesterday. I can feel the buzz of new ideas and excitement of success. I talk to new companies with all the hope and dreams that come with a new idea becoming reality. My head can't stop racing through all the things it could become.

I find myself jumping both feet back into my passion. Emails, phone calls, meetings, samples, propects, appointments, penciling in business trips, and my heart races and I'm FINALLY out of my head. I'm alive. I'm living.

Sometimes you'll find that you get trapped in your own head. Don't know how to get out. Just know that by getting back into what makes me 'tick' I'm finally out!

Find what makes you tick. It could save your life someday.

Design it, Build it

I can make up my new life however I want.

I can pick and choose what friends I have, what relationships I have.
I can choose what I spend my time on.

I can choose where I live and where I work.

I can eat how I want.
I can be how I want.

I guess all this existed before. Why didn't it feel like this?
I literally feel like I can just pick things off a shelf of what I want, and put things back that I don't want.

I'm in my 'Design' phase. I'm saving, thinking, molding, envisioning, day dreaming of my new life and what it will consist of. When everything is in place the building will begin. Preparation is key. This time it will be done my way, even better than the first.

I break out my Ikea parenting business through magazines...I need new ideas.

I'm going to build something UNBELIEVABLE!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

4 more days

I've been by myself all summer.

I've had to do nothing other than take care of myself.

I can take as long as I want to get ready.
I can take really long showers and really long naps.

I can just put on my jogging clothes and run out the door, whenever.
I can go to work early and get home late.

I don't have to do laundry unless I want to wear clean things.
I don't have to eat or fix any meals.

There are no 'timeouts' in my world. There is no discipline, no fights, no runny noses, no spills, or bedtime stories.

There have been no snuggles, no little hugs, no little kisses, no "mommy mommy".

I'm ready to give up all the 'me' time for all the runny noses, nagging, spilled milk, whining, tiredness, and little hands to hold, and little kisses.

I miss you both so much. You are a part of me, and I can't wait to feel complete again!

Friday, August 6, 2010

What now?

I was a nanny in New York before I got married.

I always thought that I could've been really good at the New York life.

So, is this my chance at success? Should I go all out and make my dream happen of success, business, pant suites, a nanny, live in the city, pick up my daily groceries at the corner market, take the kids to the park, play dates, and vacations to our beach house.

My heart races at the thought of finding success on my own efforts. Being an example to my kids of what their mom is actually capable of. I'm still fairly young. I think I could squeeze in a life of success and business and then still find myself 10 years down the road with love and maybe another chance at marriage.

I might just jump. I could be really great at this. As much as I want to stay home and bake cookies, and garden, I just did that and I was good at it. So maybe I should see how I do in something totally different.

Save my money. Explore all my options and connections. Keep my mind open. Work hard. Stay focused. No more distractions. I have a lot to accomplish in this life. I better get a move on.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

All by Myself

I can get my car towed, all by myself.

I can get my bills paid, all by myself.

I can move my family to another state, all by myself.

I can take care of me and my family, all by myself.

I don't need someone to take out my trash, or take care of my car, or pay my bills, or put food on the table, or help on vacation, or help with dishes, or ANYTHING!

I can and will do this ALL BY MYSELF.
The idea of sharing my life with someone sounds nice, but I have to first create a life so that I have something to share.

But, even the idea of 'sharing' what I will have created...terrifies me.
I might want to just keep it all to myself.

Monday, August 2, 2010


I use to listen to the radio and think "why don't these songs have feeling to me anymore?"

I was muted. I was content.

Then all of a sudden, every song makes me feel something.
Everything is in extremes now.

I feel ALIVE.
I feel AWAKE.
I feel like ME.
I feel a little CRAZY.

Somedays I think, how can I possibly think my life is so great? But, when you realize that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. When you realize that you can overcome ANYTHING. You are suddenly ready to conquer the world!


Sunday, August 1, 2010

Tiny things matter

You know when you want to lose weight or gain muscle?

It seems like such a long, painful, frustrating road. It doesn't seem like eating that 1 cookie on Monday would make any difference either way. Or even that 1 extra bite of icecream. Really, what is an extra 50 calories going to do? So, what if I skip a workout. It's not going to make that big of a difference....right?

You are right an extra bite here and missing a work out there, doesn't make a big difference. But, what happens to the person that makes the right decision over the tiny things 50 times in a row? Then you have a HUGE difference!

Today, I got to talk to my kids on Skype. It was great! Talking to them on the phone every day gets frustrating. They are small and don't really carry on a conversation. I just want to hold them and not have to ask them about their day, or what they are doing. I just want to make silly faces and break up fights, and get them juice. But, right now I have to focus on what I can do. And all I can do are tiny tiny things that I have to hope are enough, and that my Heavenly Father will make up for what I can't do. So, the seemingly pointless phone calls add up to something, the silliness on skype today, definantely another tiny step in turning this whole new life into something GREAT!

The tiny tiny things matter the most! Plus, the tiny things are usually all we are allowed to control anyway. After the tiny stuff its all faith that the Lord will make up the rest.

So, get excited about the tiny things. Be thrilled to pass up that extra bite. Applaud when you read an uplifting story other than watch smut on TV. Smile while you once again, for the thousandth time, kindly tell your child to go to bed...cause it matters!

YAY for the Tiny Things!

Friday, July 30, 2010

To 'you'

You lost your family too.
You lost your home, and your comfort too.

Your life is all new too.

Now, that it's all said and done, it doesn't really matter who's at fault.

I just hope you can find the peace and joy that everyone seeks to have in this life.

And to all YOU that have been effected by this tragedy.
It is done. It is now time to move forward.
It is now time to love, and accept this new life.
There is no more heartache, there are no more tears.
Just a hope for a brighter future for everyone.
A new conviction to do our best in this life.
A new determination to make ourselves and our children proud.

It is a new day. Make it great!

Thursday, July 29, 2010


In less than 2 weeks I start an entirely new phase of my life.

Not just a new phase, but a whole new life.

I will be a single mom with 2 beautiful kids.
I will work full time, run kids around, pay my own bills, take care of my own car troubles, be on my own budget, family vacations, and events with just us, and do it all just for me and my kids.

We will have new friends, a new church, a new neighborhood, new schools, new activities, a new way of life.

I'd be lying if I said i wasn't scared. But, I've gotten through more than I thought I ever could, so I know I can do this.

I will make this life good, no....GREAT!

I only have to say goodbye 1 more time.

I'm so grateful for strong, happy, determined kids.
They have been amazing through this whole thing!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Finally...I fixed it!

Well, just goes to show that bad things continue to happen to good people. Even when REALLY bad things have already happened.

My car broke down and is costing me more than an entire pay check....frustrating.

Thought my blog was gone forever...sad.

Had a toenail get ripped off...ouch!

But, that's life. We will forever get dealt what we get dealt, and most of the time we won't have planned for it, or wanted it, or asked for it.

But it is what it is, so now what are you going to do with it?

That is the true question and test of faith. It's never about what you have been dealt, or what you haven't. It's not about what the other players have been dealt. It's about what you do with the hand you've been given.

So...when life happens, shrug your shoulders and go ALL IN!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Rip my Heart Out

I have just a moment to say goodbye while passing through.

I hold him as long as I can. I play with her as much as you can in just a few moments.

I hug them, kiss them. Tell them I will see them next week.

He climbs in my car before I can stop him...'I come wit you, mommy'

I kiss him, set him on the porch next to his wonderful Grandma.

She holds his hand. As I run to my car and jump in I hear him yelling, LET GO! LET ME GO! I NEED MY MOMMY!

I have to hurry and close the door and drive away as fast as I can. I can't think.
There is nothing I can do. It's not my turn with my kids.

It will be soon.

You should never have to take turns with your own kids.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Obtain a more 'bitti' quality.

Meek, mild, patient, kind, selfless, sweet, giving.

Clean, cook, craft, organize, plan, prepare.

Healthy, pretty, in style, put together.

What's missing????....

Excuse my language, but....BITCHY.

Yes...I said it. We all need a little more of that in us.
When something is wrong, we need to be BOLD, and COURAGEOUS.
You might offend people, even those you love.
You might start a conflict.

But, there are certain things that you simply should NOT stand for.
You know what those things are. If you don't like them, then don't tolerate them in your home or in your life...PERIOD!

Take a stand, get mad, get angry, stir the pot, rock the boat.
FIGHT!!! Fight for your marriage, fight for you family, fight for everything you know to be true.

And fight against everything you know is NOT true.

You are the MOM, you are a WOMAN. You are ROCKSTAR. Protect your family against everything that will destroy it. Don't just let another week, or another year pass you by. Start NOW! Go CRAZY. Make yourself, your kids, and your Creator proud.

Don't justify it. Simply ask yourself, is this right? Is this what I would choose to have in my home? If the answers are no...then you know what you have to do.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Necessities for Survival

How did I survive?

1. Pray
2. Pray
3. Study Scriptures
4. Go to the Temple
5. Friends (thank goodness for a great cell phone plan)
6. Get Away (quick weekend trips, or a long 5 day Vegas trip)
7. Counseling
8. New Clothes (feel confident)
9. Work out ( a lot)
10. Eat Well (control what you can)

You have to rule out anything that you can control that will make you feel worse. I knew that if I ate unhealthy I would feel worse, i couldn't afford to feel any worse. I took care of myself. I made sure I felt my best every time he came around. It gave me strength.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010


What is patience?

Is it the ability to sit quietly in a waiting room?

Is it staying calm while at a stop light?

Is it being happy knowing blessings will come?

Maybe, it's all those things...but PATIENCE is more than the absence of impatience.
Patience requires ACTION.

Patience is when you DO the right thing, even when you don't understand how it's going to get you what you want.
Patience is when you KEEP the commandments despite knowing when the blessings will come.
Patience is BEING a good example when it doesn't serve an immediate positive result.
Patience is GIVING to the Lord your pride and the need to control outcomes.

Patience sometimes hurts; like waiting for Christmas morning, or waiting for your loved one to step off the plane. Patience, in fact, usually hurts ie; Pregnancy.

So, why would you expect patience for a new life, a new love to not hurt? It hurts, it aches, at times completely, overwhelmingly consuming.

Just know that it will hurt, there is nothing you can do except endure, because the blessings do and will come. You just have to make sure you STAY STANDING in order to receive them when they arrive.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Here we go again

(journal entry from when it all began)

Why isn't this getting better?!

I haven't slept for a week.

I thought this was over, but find out more lies.

I wait til you are in bed to leave my room.
I'm hungry but, don't feel like eating.

I turn the tv on in hopes it will occupy my thoughts.
It's even more painful to realize I can't even pay attention to the tv.

Tears stream down my face.
My crying becomes silent. 'Breath' I remind myself.
I'm annoyed by hearing myself.
Wish I would just go away.

So, I get in the car with no where to go.
I drive, screaming, SCreaming, SCREAMINGGG!!!

My body is shaking. I want to tear my hair out.
I try to pray. But, don't know what to pray for.

So, I just sit waiting for myself to stop trembling.
Wait for the tears to run out.
Wait for my breathing to return to normal.

Drive back. Walk to my room.
No one has noticed I left.
No one comes to see if I'm okay.

I lay alone in the dark staring at the ceiling.
Waiting for my body to fall asleep.

Then, I wake up a few hours later.
Get juice for the kids, turn cartoons on, do the dishes,
and another day begins.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Tooth Fairy

She lost her first tooth. I wasn't there.

She lost her second tooth. I wasn't there.

How do you be a Tooth Fairy from 500 miles away?
You don't.

I'm suppose to be able to write a cute note, show my husband, have him put in a few dollars,
sneak in her room and put it under her pillow.

With my husband's arms wrapped around me, we would look at our beautiful daughter in awe, and wonder how she got so big.

I never thought being a Tooth Fairy would feel this important to me.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Retail Therapy

Oh yeah!!! It works.

Crappy day= New apron from Anthropology= CUTER crappy day.

Sad day= full price Banana Republic t shirt, hot new jeans, also full price= CONFIDENT sad day.

Mad day= buy all new summer clothes for the kids= still mad, but a good mom day.

Who cares day= 4 pairs of new shoes in less than an hour= care even less, and I love my shoes day. (yeah that one's for

Lonely day= New perfume= Just in case I'm not lonely, I smell good day.

Sometimes racking up the credit card is a good thing, when it saves your sanity.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

So Good!

I'm with my kids all week!

I plan on cramming an entire summer of memories into 7 days.

All day in Swimsuits
All day at the waterpark
Family and Friends
Summer songs
Beach Towels

Today we went to the Children's Museum and then the Big Fountain.
It was amazing! Giggles, Silliness, Goofy faces, funny songs, juice boxes, sunscreen, and just simply what being a Mom should be everyday!

You forget that you don't normally dance in the middle of the park, singing Taylor Swift songs, when you're by yourself. But, when your with kids, you can show up to the bank with nothing but your swim suit on and as long as your kids are in theirs, yur good!

-nothing sad happened, nothing sad even crossed my mind-

Monday, July 5, 2010

Sunday Thoughts


Prayer is interesting, yet so simple. Don't make it more complicated than it is.

What would you do if you wanted to develop a relationship with someone?
Hmmm, maybe TALK to them? You might think about them during the day.
You might actually try to get to know them.

So...if you want to have a relationship with your Father in Heaven, what might be the best way of doing that?

Does a prayer count when you are laying in your bed, with no words to say, only tears. You can't find the strength to kneel let alone fold your arms correctly. There you are just flat on your back starring at the ceiling, just begging for anything. Is that prayer?

When your driving in the car and you get so scared to turn the corner and see 'her' there, and you simply ask, please give me peace. Is that prayer?


Prayer is simply communicating with your Heavenly Father.

He will answer you. Sometimes as boldly as instantaneous peace. Sometimes wrapping his warmth around you so you can sleep. Sometimes it is clarity for things to come. Most of the time it is simple answers that we don't want to hear. Like: 'go to bed', or 'stop crying, and get off the floor', or 'call your friend'.

Sometimes he sends people to you, like a familiar face on a plane ride. Sometimes a friend at the door during a desperate time. Sometimes a child giving you a hug.

Our prayers are answered constantly, most of the time the answers are too simple and too easy to recognize.

Don't complicate things, he wants to bless you. He is answering you. Let Him.

---and that is Prayer according to me----

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th!

INDEPENDENCE just seems to have a different ring to it this year, hmmm?

I get my kids today!!!

I get to be a real Mom!

I feel like I've been emotionally unavailable since September.

They have their Mom back. She's better than ever!

Why blog?

This is my therapy.

Every story, every thought that I write no longer lingers in my head.

I don't write to hurt, or blame, or for revenge...I write for me and that's it.

I write from my perspective and realize that there are many many things that I don't know, and don't ever want to know. This is just simply my story of what I went through, and how I felt.

My hope would be that I could give someone hope through my tragedy.
I could make a spouse be extra grateful and work harder.
I could help a mom hold her kids a little tighter that day.
Give strength to another person paralyzed by an unfaithful spouse.

So...if you have a happy, healthy family today, smile at them, laugh with them, hold them tight. Put your arms around your spouse, kiss them, look at them, and tell them you love them, just simply because you can.

Because I can't...and I ache for the day when I will be able to do it all again.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Movie Quote

You Don't need a MAN,
You need a CHAMPION!

FYI...Eclipse was AWESOME!
When you're single, movies with cute boys (without their shirts on) are way more exciting! he he

Get out of my way

I saw the movie The Blind Side.

I need and want to be more like her.
Even her own husband is a little bit afraid of her.

He knows he has to let her be everything she is.
He lets her and expects her to. He laughs when it's a little too much, but watches in admiration for her courage and ability. He cheers her on and backs her up. He holds her when she gets exhausted. But, stays out of her way when she is running.

I will no longer stagger, I am a runner. Get the hell out of my way.
If anyone is going to share my life, they better be a damn good cheer leader.

The Process

I never wanted to know how the Divorce process actually works.

But here it is...

Drive to the court house, don't think.
Get the paperwork for a Complaint for Divorce, don't think.
Fill it out, if you don't have an attorney (cheaper without)
Pay your money.

He will get a copy and have 20 days to reply. Or he may just sign it the same day.
Then you can file for temporary custody and support until the divorce is final, just do it right away because it's part of the process, otherwise they may feel threatened by it.

Then you can go to court, or do mediation.
But at this point....GET AN ATTORNEY, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!

Then when all the CRAZY is over you will have an agreement.
and then it's just a matter of signatures.

Yesterday I put my last signature on the last page.

Isn't it sad that in a legal document it states:
"We are no longer able to communicate and no longer love each other as husband and wife."

You pick up your pen while sitting in front of a notary at the bank in the grocery store, and while everyone is coming and going you put your name on the paper, and just like that your marriage is over.

Something that started with a dress, and invitations, dancing, cake, music, a lifetime of planning...ends with ink on paper at the grocery store.

sad, but then you walk out get in your car and continue your awesome day.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Eternal Friends

A cruise with all my girlfriends for my 30 B day sounds perfect!

Then a thought: What if I'm already dating someone great and don't want to take a week away?

2nd thought: I just lost my Eternal Companion and yet my friends are still with me.
Why would I ever put a guy before them, ever?!

Where is the place for friends in Heaven?

I believe in "Families are Forever", but now that mine isn't, I think we should all start putting a little more credit into "Friends are Forever".

I would marry my best friend, SK, if I was into that sort of thing, and if she would leave her husband for ya SK!

The Worst Parts

Come get me, she says. Do you have to work? Then come get me right now. I miss you.

I could just get in my car and be there in the morning. I would be there for a day and have to return for work.

Why do you have to work? Dad works, so you don't have to.
Why don't you live here? Why aren't you married anymore?

I'm so sorry. I promise I'm trying my best to make our life happy. I know it's going to feel different and hard, but you and me we have to be strong. This is your time with your Dad right now, you have to make sure you spend it with him. You are probably just tired.

No, I'm not tired, I just miss you.

If I was there, I would climb into bed with you, snuggle you up, sing you songs, and fall asleep with you. We will be together soon. I love you.

I try to change the subject and talk about all the things we will do when she's home with me.
I tell her to go snuggle up with her Dad so she feels better.

What's done is done, but I have to find a way to make this life really really good for them.

Being Carried

When you get so tired and beat up that you just can't move anymore,
someone comes along and picks you up and carries you a little further down your path.

It's so nice, so comforting, gives you a chance to recover and breath.
You wrap your arms around their neck and just don't ever want to be put down.

But, then you start getting your strength back.
You can't find a comfy spot in their arms anymore.

You keep wiggling around, but they won't let you down.
"Just a little further, trust me, then I will let you walk on your own."

Sometimes I feel like kicking and screaming, "LET ME DOWN, I'M READY TO RUN!"

But, I will continue to trust and have faith that HE will take me to the point in my path where it is safe to RUN!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Where you from?

Went to church. Not my ward.
No one knows me.

"Oh, where are you from?"

hmmm. I don't know? Do I want to even mention the place, now that I'm not there?
I'm not really 'from' there. If I say there, will they know all the people I know?
Then what? I can just see it now...Oh, you are so and so's wife. I love their family! This one time...blah blah blah.

I don't 'There' comes out of my mouth. She says, oh thats nice, and then the lady behind her says "Oh, my daughter is there! and on and on". No connection, got away safe that time.

Next time, I'll just say 'here'.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pottery Barn Renewal

Walking through Pottery Barn...

I want that, I want that, ooooohhh I want that too.
I want Lulu's room to look like that.
I want Doodah to have all that.

Then I start thinking of the big house I've always dreamed of.
I think of the big yard and a wrap around porch.
Nice cars and vacations.

Usually, typically, all those thoughts would be the result of having a husband that had a great income.

Not anymore.

Now, it's up to me. And if I know me, my odds for getting the big nice house and Pottery Barn furniture, are way better, now that I have full control.

Then into William Sanoma, $50 for a popsicle maker!
There are all the beautiful cookbooks that will fill my future kitchen.
The amazing appliances that will sit on my granite countertops.
The unnecessary spices that I'll have for a special occasion.
Even a thing that will shape cooked eggs into heart shapes.

I will have my $50 popsicle maker!
And I'll get it all by myself!

So there.

Can't Run....No Kidding

Profound ME.

As you were jogging along your beautiful path getting to your destination,
Suddenly out of no where, a bear comes along drags you for a while and slowly tears your legs off.

There are no words to describe the pain.

The bear is gone now. Your legs are gone.
Yet you still have somewhere to go.
It is your purpose in life to reach that destination.
You know, that even without legs, you have to get there.

How will you get there?
Running and jogging is all you know, it's all you've ever done.

You get so angry that you can't run.
"This isn't how it's suppose to be done."
"It just doesn't feel the same!"


You're going to have to suck it up and crawl until your arms get stronger and you can go faster and faster, then along the way you might find some new legs, and before you know it you'll be running again. On BRAND NEW LEGS probably even faster and stronger than before.

Don't expect to run, just start crawling cause it's all you can do.

Unexpected Hug

When you don't have.....
...someone to snuggle with.
...your kids to hold.
...someone to hold you.
...loving eyes to look into.
...a comforting voice to listen to.
...a hand to hold.

The simplest things mean so much.

I visited a friend, gave hugs all around.
Then unexpectedly her 2 yr old held his hands up,
I picked him up and he held me so tight for so long.

How did he know?

Just to have those little arms around me, reminded me that I exist.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Long Distance Mom

I'm trying to get creative as I search for ways to be 'Mom' 400 miles away.

Lulu and I sing songs over the phone. I play songs for her on youtube and we both dance.
She says, "guess what I'm doing now?"
I say: Jumping?
She says, "Nope, cheering"

I call everyday, but they are little and mostly distracted.
I feel selfish calling them and taking them away from the fun things they are doing.

I taught Doodah "Hickory Dickory Dock" this week.
We've also been working on "This little piggy".

One night I read them a story, but don't know how much they actually paid attention.
Their Dad is a much better story teller than me.

I sent a package in the mail, full of just fun things.
It was so great to hear how excited they were. So, nice to know I was a part of their day.
Just shopping for them through out my day, makes me feel more connected.

There has to be more I can do.
I should start 'skyping'.

I can't wait to be 'everyday mom' again!
Going to the store is just plain boring without crazy kids.

Goodbye Mookie

I will never forget the sound and smell of the rain as we sat in your attic apartment.

The first date, Desperado.

You teaching me to play the drums.

The phone calls from the hotel front desk while I worked as a housekeeper.


The dream wedding proposal in Grand Central Station.

The hallway house.

The Pink Surprise Birthday party.

The amazing anniversary Surprise.

The trip to Mesquite.

Hypno Birthing classes.

The first time I saw you hold your daughter and son.

Listening to your songs.

Listening to Dooda sing with you.

and so much more....I'm so grateful to have shared some of your best moments.

I loved you, I loved you forever.

Use to be your Princess,

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


When will I....?

Come home and kiss someone hello?
hear the words, I love you?
have someone tell me, "you're beautiful?"
kiss someone goodbye?

need to buy a tie?
find whiskers in the bathroom sink?
roll over and feel 'him' laying there?
sit together as a husband, wife and our kids?

have 'date night' again?
worry if I've shaved my legs or not?
have a reason to buy lingerie?

I guess I shouldn't be worried about any of this until I'm actually DIVORCED!
It's weird to say...I REALLY wish I wasn't married anymore.

Sure would be nice to be single, since I'm living a single life.
It feels kinda inconsistent, to still be married.

as usual......WHATEVER!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

No MOM Car

With my kids at their Dad's for the Summer, I can clean my car and have it STAY clean.

What a concept!?

So, I spent 3 hours on my car today.
I cleaned areas that I didn't ever know were dirty.

It looks and smells brand new.
I will enjoy it while it lasts.

But, I still look forward to finding fruit snacks smashed into my seats when i take the car seats out. And a gross moldy sippy cup under the set. And my favorite, little footprints on the back of my seat.

Oh, the funny things that I never appreciated.
Can't wait to have my car all messy again!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Not Friends

Dinner Sunday night as a family.

We watch our show, that we use to watch every Sunday night.

We talk about work and joke about the show.

Everything is just as it should be, friends.
I feel safe.
I feel respected.
I feel fine.
No more hurt.
No more anger.
No more lies.
Weird, yes. But, good, for what we have been given.

Next day, go to sign the papers. It will finally be done.
No more fighting.
No more threats.
Just DONE.

But, NO. Something else, once again.


More fighting
More threats
More craziness
More fear

This needs to be done, for my kids' sake.
We have to try to be friends, for them.

They need us, married or not, they need US.
So, we have to figure out a new US.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

3 Day Mom

My kids are with their Dad all Summer.

A 7 hour drive keeps us apart while I work to start a new life.

I show up for 3 days to visit the 2 people that give me my reason to continue living.

Sippy cups
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
Breaking up fights
Little clothes
wiping bottoms
Messes, messes, messes

Day 1- I felt guilty because I wasn't use to the constant demands and bickering over things like the color of cup someone wants. I guess I expected just hugs, kisses, giggling, and sweetness all day.

Day 2- Woke up appreciating every moment, even the annoying ones. Stayed away from distractions, like my phone and computer. We played and played. No worries, just loved all of it.

Day 3- Still to come. I find myself dreading tomorrow, because I will have to leave. And no matter what I have done the past 3 days it won't feel like enough.

I know having been here will make my life there feel even more lonely. But, I don't have a choice, so once again, I will make the best of it. (I'm so sick of doing that)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

My New Life

Work night shifts now. 60 hours this week.

No kids.

No Dinner.

No Dishes.

No Grocery Shopping.

Still make my bed.
Still vac my room.

No sillyness.
No cartoons.
No sippy cups.
No little clothes.
No runny noses.
No piano.
No goodnight kisses.

Just work. Just sleep. Work, sleep, eat, work, work, sleep, eat, sleep, work, work, CRY, sleep.

But, the voice on the phone makes me smile, and it's all okay.

Miss my Life

What I wouldn't give to go back to:

7am he gets up, I hear the shower turn on.

Dooda comes in asking for "Hot chocat"
Crawl out of bed and down stairs to find a sippy for chocat milk.

Turn Dora on and start on dishes. Put some bacon in a frying pan.
Feeling ambicious, and start some French Toast, he loves French Toast.

Set the table. Lulu comes down and watches cartoons. I get her some juice.

He comes down in his collared shirt and fixes his tie in the mirror by the kitchen table.
He walks into the garage to feed the dog. Comes into the kitchen and says, "mmm smells good"

He goes and sits down at the piano and plays the songs he has written over the years.
Dooda goes and starts singing with him next to him on the bench.

Breakfast is ready and we all sit down. I get up and down flipping more and more French Toast.
Dooda spills his juice, and Lulu poors way too much syrup on her plate.

He gets his jacket from the hall closet, says goodbye. Kisses to everyone.
Goes to his care. A few minutes later he comes back in because he forgot his briefcase.

I give him another kiss. And say, see you at lunch.

I clean up breakfast and clean the kitchen. Kids are rowdy and the neighbor kids come over, everyone is still in their jammies. I'm still in my pj's doing house work.

I check my email, talk on the phone, make the bed, put the clothes away, clean up spilled cereal that has smashed into the carpet, and match the socks.

Kids go to the neighbors, I jump in the shower, before he gets home for lunch, so I don't look gross. I whip something together for lunch. It's still in the oven when he gets home. He goes across the street to get the kids and they come bustling back. He plays in the front yard with them. The dog barks for her ball to be thrown.

Then lunch.

He kisses everyone goodbye.

I take the kids to the Library. We hang out and play until about 4:30. Then i rush around the house making it look presentable. Thrown dinner together.

I'm putting the forks on the table when he gets home. He say's, "mm smells good"
We sit down and have dinner. I head out to book club. Get home and kiss the kids goodnight. He is checking his email in the office. We watch an episode of our favorite sitcom.

He brushes his teeth as I browse a magazine laying in bed. He walks out of the bathroom and I look up and smile at him. He puts his glasses on and grabs his book. I scoot a little closer, roll over and fall asleep as he reads.


Can Happiness come too soon?

Is it possible to be happy too soon after a tragedy?

When is it okay to smile and laugh?

If I'm happy does it make what happened okay?

When I find an amazing new life, will it justify what they did?

Will he say to me..."see, I knew you would be better off?"

What if I feel happy already?

If other people still hurt, am I suppose to still be angry?

What if I found something/someone that makes me really really happy? Can I have it now?
Or is it too soon? What would people think?


Thursday, April 15, 2010

That's weird

Don't play the game.

Just know he's going to say stupid things.
He's going to say things that make you so angry.

When he comes around, you can expect nonsense.

This is not your husband.

This is that weird creepy guy that stole your husband.

If you react, he knows you still care. He once again will get something from you.

DON'T DO IT! Just shrug your shoulders.

Best phrases:
I don't know
That's weird
I'll have my attorney get back to you on that.
I'm not sure

Or, love you too:) (that's kind of pushing it)

Or best yet, nothing. Just turn your phone off.
Be done.


It had snowed. It was his night with the kids.
He asked if he could build snowmen with them in the front yard when he came to get them. They were so excited, I knew they would love that.

Dinner was just getting done, it was silly to not offer him some.

So, as my once called "happy family" sat down for dinner, and then got bundled up to build snowmen. I occupied my mind and efforts with making sugar cookies.

I could've sat in the window watching the family I ached for, laugh and build snowmen. Remembering all the moments we laughed together as one. But, no.

Just stay in the kitchen, make the cookies. Frost the cookies. Don't go to the window. What you see will not be real. So, I stay strong. I stay put together.

My kids had a great time with their Dad, and I got my cookies done.
No tears, no heart ache. Just another night.

Poopy Pants

In the middle of preschool I hear Lulu ask her friend...
"Did you know my Dad doesn't live here anymore?"

No reply from the friend.

I catch my breath. Pause. Sad. Finish getting snacks ready.

Just a part of our new life.

I learned this lesson before I got to this point.
Nikki over at Have JOY, told her here.

I knew this was just going to simply be a part of my new life style.

Just like kids pooping their pants, is part of a mom's life
This is another 'crappy' part of divorce life.

No more.

Aaaaahhhhh. I've been fine for 12 days.

I sit down to relax and watch a movie. My body decompresses.

I get a text with hopeful words. I text back with tears filling my eyes.

What? Why? I wasn't even thinking of anything sad.


Oh, no hear I go. Disappearing again.

Please, anyone. Help!

Knock, Knock, Knock.

I open the door. A friend just felt like coming by, "Are you okay?"

Hug..."no". Tears.

A long talk, and I'm back.

My Heavenly Father wants me to move forward. He sent a friend to my front door so I don't have to cry alone anymore. It's okay now to walk away from the misery. No more crashing. The tears before made me learn lessons, they made me stronger by getting up again. But, now the tears just feel like weakness and by giving in too long they make me angry, sad, bitter, and lonely. There is no more time or purpose for that. I must be strong, control my anger, sadness, bitterness, and know that I'm am worth moving forward. There is something more for me and I will do what it takes to get there.

No Hope

If my husband died, no one would tell me, "you just have to have hope, maybe he will come back".

That would be impossible.

My husband, as I knew him, has died. I miss him.

Even if this new guy changed for the better, he would be a new guy, and we would have a new relationship.

So, I have hope for a new relationship and to be married again someday. 'he' is in the same basket as all the other single guys in the world.

May the best man win.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

No Goodbye

It should be divorce protocol to give a Good Bye card.

Something like....

Thank you, for being an incredible wife.
I'm really going to miss all the amazing things you do.

I wish I hadn't been such an idiot.
I can't believe I lost you.

I already miss the dinners you make.
I miss you bringing me lunch at work.

etc. etc....

But, Hallmark doesn't make "Good while it Lasted" Cards.
So, I guess I'm out of luck. (I've been out of that for a while)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Oh, there I am

I got a little bit of 'me' back today.

Somethings that helped:

Read the Ensign (church magazine) for an hour this morning.
Worked out.
Did Yoga with the kids.
Took the kids out.
Visited family.
Played with the kids.
Ate well.
Went to a college Basketball game.*
*Loud music, lots of people, lots of happy people, and I got to scream and yell.

If I could be around 100's of happy people everyday, that would be very helpful. It's when I'm around the few people that are all effected by my current situation, all the people that are hurting and lost, that are not helpful when wanting to feel happy.

My Rules for Happy:
Dance Breaks

Fun games with the kids

Read uplifting material


Eat well


Quiet time (wishful thinking)

It was a good day, it was a happy day.
I can endure this, and I will endure it well.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Where did I go?

I had found myself. I was strong. I knew where I was. I knew where I was going. It was all so clear. Even though it was all new and different, it was okay.



Oh No...

Please No...

Trapped, again.

I'm suppose to be going over there, but I'm stuck right here. I can't move. Even though this place is dark, it's easy to sit down rather than push and run.

I can't do it today. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll sit for now.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sad that I'm Okay

I'm okay.

I feel sincerely happy through out the day.

My head is clear. I have peace. I can think about my next few days and weeks.

I am thinking about other people. I feel like I'm back in my life.

Then, when I stop and think about what just happened.
It makes me sad that I'm okay. Should I be okay when my marriage just failed?
Should I feel happy when everything I have worked for for so long is gone?

I don't know, but, I'll take 'happy' for today.

Dad's new Apartment

We told LuLu about Dad living in a new place.

Do you know that Mom's and Dad's sometimes live in different places?

L: No.

Well, things are going to be a little different for our family. Dad has a new place where he is going to live and Mom is going to live here.

L: Why?

Sometimes it's just better that way.

L: I want to see Dad's place. Can we go there right now?


And that was that.
Sad to know this drastically effects the rest of her life.
Glad she doesn't have to know that now.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Click it Off

I just want to click it off!!!!

After everything he's done. After the lies, the deceit, the abandonment, the betrayal, and so many more things that I can't put into words. I still love him. I still want to come home and just sit with him on the couch. I want to put my arms around him and say, let's just forget about it and start again. It's seems so simple. Just kiss and make up. Tomorrow all of this could just go away and I would have my husband and my family back. If I had a magic remote, I could just "click" it back to the right channel.

But, then I remember....I can't "click" this by myself. My efforts, my words of encouragement and never failing love and commitment are not what will give me the marriage I want. It's all in his hands and he's not choosing me. So, I have to keep going. He wants someone or something else, he must, because he certainly does not want me. He's on a different channel!

Where is the Off Switch? Why do I still love him? It's not fair that he got to be so horrible and I still love him. Will I always love him, and just have to cover it up forever? Will I drop the kids off to him for the weekend and wish he would ask me on a date?

I hate this wishy washy part of me. I should go to sleep and then I will wake up strong again.

Click....OFF(that's better)

Jogging with Twinkies

A fat person can sincerely want to be skinny.
They can want it so bad that it hurts.
They might even cry over it.

They start eating salads.
They jog on the treadmill.
They drink protein shakes.

A week goes by, no results.
2 weeks go by, why isn't anyone noticing?
3 weeks go by, they start getting so mad, nothing is happening!
"No one even cares, no one compliments me, no one even wants me to get healthy!"

What nobody knows is they are eating cake, and cookies with their salad. Instead of a water bottle they have a twinkie in the water bottle spot on the treadmill. With their protein shake they have added ice cream and chocolate fudge.

"But, doesn't all the work I've done count for anything?" , they say with tears in their eyes.

I guess jogging while eating a Twinkie is better than not jogging.
But, it doesn't get you what you want.

Where are the Flowers?

Someone told me that after they had filed for divorce their husband became amazing. Sending flowers, begging forgiveness, doing anything and everything to try to keep her. I thought that period would be really hard to get through. You would have to keep telling yourself that all the nice things are just a show. That the flowers and desperation were not something you could count on fixing a marriage.

I will never know what that phase of divorce looks like. What I've learned over the past year is that he would simply watch me walk away. And that continually hurts. He'll forever ask, "What do you want?" and never do what it would take to have what he wants. Because he simply doesn't want it.

I know I can and will forgive him for everything. I know I have the determination and strength to have made this work. But, how would I have done that with someone that wasn't sure if they wanted it or not? For as much work, love, sacrifice, and determination as it would've taken, it would've needed it from both of us.

Sunday, February 28, 2010


There is only so long you can hold on to, "that's not how he really is", or "this isn't him, he's just in a bad place."

I hope for his sake that this isn't how he really is. But, the unrepairable damage has been done.

I keep thinking, tomorrow it will get better. Maybe this conversation will change everything. Maybe tomorrow he'll be what he needs to be for all of this to get better. And disappointment, after disppointment I have to come to grips with, "I'm not married anymore."

I'm not a wife. I don't go on group dates with my friends. I don't have dinner on the table when he gets home. I don't say "have a good day honey." I don't bring him cookies at work. I don't buy him a new tie. I don't leave notes on his bathroom mirror. I don't know where he is tonight. I don't have sex, that one is one of the worst!

He's never going to make me feel better. I need to fill the holes with something good and keep moving forward.

I never wanted to know how marriages ended. But, soon, too soon, I will know. And that will be that. An entire lifetime, and possible eternity, just over. It's just over. It hurts so bad sometimes, you think maybe the lying and the cheating hurts less. Maybe I would rather do that than this. They both hurt. The peace I have found is in my Savior and staying close to him. He has carried me through this entire process. When I put my thoughts towards him, everything seems to feel more managable.

Only I can take myself from this hurt and anger by forgiving. As unbearable as this continues to be, it is only through my Heavenly Father that I have become strong enough to keep going.

I need to find myself. I need to let myself feel happiness. I feel guilty right now, searching for happiness, when my family was just destroyed. What positive thing can you possibly think of? I pray for the strength to finish what I know is necessary. I pray for peace. I pray for my children to have joy and fulfillment in their daily life. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for courage. I pray for him. I pray for her. I pray for her family. I pray for all the many people that have been effected that they might have a forgiving heart and find peace. This will not be over until everyone has found peace.

At this time, I am taking myself out of this situation. There is nothing to hold on to. Everytime I try to grab for something, I end up drownding. I will not be a victim any longer. I will not be a part of this chaos anymore. I will fight for myself as a mother, and as a daughter of God.

My children need me more than ever right now. I will be there for them. I will be the best I can for them. They will feel loved, and safe, and cared for. I will be an example for them. I will do what is right. I will serve others. I will quickly take care of the necessaties and do what the Lord requires of me. I will no longer ponder my decision. I know it is right. I know the Lord is with me. I do not need to justify my decision. This is where I am and what I have been given. I will continue to march! I will not waiver. I will be a rock that others can lean on.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Just go to bed

It's way too late. I should just go to sleep. My mind is running in every direction.
I'm obligated, because of my children, to make this marriage work. I'm suppose to exhaust every possibility of putting it back together. Will I ever feel like me, the person i know I should be, while in this marriage?

Why on the day that I tell him my final decision is to Divorce, do I feel like he is my best friend? Why do I suddenly want to hang out with him? Why do I suddenly think, maybe all this stuff isn't that big of a deal?

Or, maybe i should seriously just go to sleep. My head is always so much more clear in the morning. I should have a strict 10pm bedtime, so that my head doesn't get the chance to go crazy.

Why was I in the deepest depression the last few days, and then the day that I decide to actually fill out the paper work, do I feel so much better, but yet question my decision? Shouldn't I know to stick with what feels better?

Now, I'm starting to fall asleep. So turn off head of mine!!! Just go to bed.

Good Night!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Everything's just gone

We had moved 2 years ago. I jumped in with both feet and worked my hardest to build a new life. I didn't think I could be as happy as I was. He had everything he ever wanted and in a small town, i had discovered what was important to me.

Then, without warning, he lit a match to my life. And over the last few months I have watched my life go up in flames. The flames are dying down and I'm starting to see that there is nothing left.

Now, I can't stay here. I have to walk away. It's all gone.

It was ours, and now everything all day, is a heart wrenching reminder that it is gone.
I'm exhausted by trying to find away to stop the fire. And now, I have to find the strength to pick up the pieces that I can, put myself back together, walk away, and rebuild something new.

But, today I sit in my wheel barrow and cry, waiting for the moment I can get out and pick up the pieces without getting burned.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Not ready for Target

It had been 3 days since my world went up in flames.

There was good deal for razors at Target.

I hadn't been anywhere since knowing.

I got in my car, thinking nothing of it.

Walk in the sliding doors.
Oh, there are people here.
Who is here?

Just keep your eyes down.

People can just go about their normal day and just buy milk and bread and then go to work?
I don't belong in this world.

Who cares about the stupid razors?
I turn around and walk back to the safety of my car.
I guess I'm just not ready for Target yet.