Saturday, March 27, 2010

No Goodbye

It should be divorce protocol to give a Good Bye card.

Something like....

Thank you, for being an incredible wife.
I'm really going to miss all the amazing things you do.

I wish I hadn't been such an idiot.
I can't believe I lost you.

I already miss the dinners you make.
I miss you bringing me lunch at work.

etc. etc....

But, Hallmark doesn't make "Good while it Lasted" Cards.
So, I guess I'm out of luck. (I've been out of that for a while)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Oh, there I am

I got a little bit of 'me' back today.

Somethings that helped:

Read the Ensign (church magazine) for an hour this morning.
Worked out.
Did Yoga with the kids.
Took the kids out.
Visited family.
Played with the kids.
Ate well.
Went to a college Basketball game.*
*Loud music, lots of people, lots of happy people, and I got to scream and yell.

If I could be around 100's of happy people everyday, that would be very helpful. It's when I'm around the few people that are all effected by my current situation, all the people that are hurting and lost, that are not helpful when wanting to feel happy.

My Rules for Happy:
Dance Breaks

Fun games with the kids

Read uplifting material


Eat well


Quiet time (wishful thinking)

It was a good day, it was a happy day.
I can endure this, and I will endure it well.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Where did I go?

I had found myself. I was strong. I knew where I was. I knew where I was going. It was all so clear. Even though it was all new and different, it was okay.



Oh No...

Please No...

Trapped, again.

I'm suppose to be going over there, but I'm stuck right here. I can't move. Even though this place is dark, it's easy to sit down rather than push and run.

I can't do it today. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll sit for now.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sad that I'm Okay

I'm okay.

I feel sincerely happy through out the day.

My head is clear. I have peace. I can think about my next few days and weeks.

I am thinking about other people. I feel like I'm back in my life.

Then, when I stop and think about what just happened.
It makes me sad that I'm okay. Should I be okay when my marriage just failed?
Should I feel happy when everything I have worked for for so long is gone?

I don't know, but, I'll take 'happy' for today.

Dad's new Apartment

We told LuLu about Dad living in a new place.

Do you know that Mom's and Dad's sometimes live in different places?

L: No.

Well, things are going to be a little different for our family. Dad has a new place where he is going to live and Mom is going to live here.

L: Why?

Sometimes it's just better that way.

L: I want to see Dad's place. Can we go there right now?


And that was that.
Sad to know this drastically effects the rest of her life.
Glad she doesn't have to know that now.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Click it Off

I just want to click it off!!!!

After everything he's done. After the lies, the deceit, the abandonment, the betrayal, and so many more things that I can't put into words. I still love him. I still want to come home and just sit with him on the couch. I want to put my arms around him and say, let's just forget about it and start again. It's seems so simple. Just kiss and make up. Tomorrow all of this could just go away and I would have my husband and my family back. If I had a magic remote, I could just "click" it back to the right channel.

But, then I remember....I can't "click" this by myself. My efforts, my words of encouragement and never failing love and commitment are not what will give me the marriage I want. It's all in his hands and he's not choosing me. So, I have to keep going. He wants someone or something else, he must, because he certainly does not want me. He's on a different channel!

Where is the Off Switch? Why do I still love him? It's not fair that he got to be so horrible and I still love him. Will I always love him, and just have to cover it up forever? Will I drop the kids off to him for the weekend and wish he would ask me on a date?

I hate this wishy washy part of me. I should go to sleep and then I will wake up strong again.

Click....OFF(that's better)

Jogging with Twinkies

A fat person can sincerely want to be skinny.
They can want it so bad that it hurts.
They might even cry over it.

They start eating salads.
They jog on the treadmill.
They drink protein shakes.

A week goes by, no results.
2 weeks go by, why isn't anyone noticing?
3 weeks go by, they start getting so mad, nothing is happening!
"No one even cares, no one compliments me, no one even wants me to get healthy!"

What nobody knows is they are eating cake, and cookies with their salad. Instead of a water bottle they have a twinkie in the water bottle spot on the treadmill. With their protein shake they have added ice cream and chocolate fudge.

"But, doesn't all the work I've done count for anything?" , they say with tears in their eyes.

I guess jogging while eating a Twinkie is better than not jogging.
But, it doesn't get you what you want.

Where are the Flowers?

Someone told me that after they had filed for divorce their husband became amazing. Sending flowers, begging forgiveness, doing anything and everything to try to keep her. I thought that period would be really hard to get through. You would have to keep telling yourself that all the nice things are just a show. That the flowers and desperation were not something you could count on fixing a marriage.

I will never know what that phase of divorce looks like. What I've learned over the past year is that he would simply watch me walk away. And that continually hurts. He'll forever ask, "What do you want?" and never do what it would take to have what he wants. Because he simply doesn't want it.

I know I can and will forgive him for everything. I know I have the determination and strength to have made this work. But, how would I have done that with someone that wasn't sure if they wanted it or not? For as much work, love, sacrifice, and determination as it would've taken, it would've needed it from both of us.