Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Eternal Friends

A cruise with all my girlfriends for my 30 B day sounds perfect!

Then a thought: What if I'm already dating someone great and don't want to take a week away?

2nd thought: I just lost my Eternal Companion and yet my friends are still with me.
Why would I ever put a guy before them, ever?!

Where is the place for friends in Heaven?

I believe in "Families are Forever", but now that mine isn't, I think we should all start putting a little more credit into "Friends are Forever".

I would marry my best friend, SK, if I was into that sort of thing, and if she would leave her husband for ya SK!

The Worst Parts

Come get me, she says. Do you have to work? Then come get me right now. I miss you.

I could just get in my car and be there in the morning. I would be there for a day and have to return for work.

Why do you have to work? Dad works, so you don't have to.
Why don't you live here? Why aren't you married anymore?

I'm so sorry. I promise I'm trying my best to make our life happy. I know it's going to feel different and hard, but you and me we have to be strong. This is your time with your Dad right now, you have to make sure you spend it with him. You are probably just tired.

No, I'm not tired, I just miss you.

If I was there, I would climb into bed with you, snuggle you up, sing you songs, and fall asleep with you. We will be together soon. I love you.

I try to change the subject and talk about all the things we will do when she's home with me.
I tell her to go snuggle up with her Dad so she feels better.

What's done is done, but I have to find a way to make this life really really good for them.

Being Carried

When you get so tired and beat up that you just can't move anymore,
someone comes along and picks you up and carries you a little further down your path.

It's so nice, so comforting, gives you a chance to recover and breath.
You wrap your arms around their neck and just don't ever want to be put down.

But, then you start getting your strength back.
You can't find a comfy spot in their arms anymore.

You keep wiggling around, but they won't let you down.
"Just a little further, trust me, then I will let you walk on your own."

Sometimes I feel like kicking and screaming, "LET ME DOWN, I'M READY TO RUN!"

But, I will continue to trust and have faith that HE will take me to the point in my path where it is safe to RUN!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Where you from?

Went to church. Not my ward.
No one knows me.

"Oh, where are you from?"

hmmm. I don't know? Do I want to even mention the place, now that I'm not there?
I'm not really 'from' there. If I say there, will they know all the people I know?
Then what? I can just see it now...Oh, you are so and so's wife. I love their family! This one time...blah blah blah.

I don't 'There' comes out of my mouth. She says, oh thats nice, and then the lady behind her says "Oh, my daughter is there! and on and on". No connection, got away safe that time.

Next time, I'll just say 'here'.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pottery Barn Renewal

Walking through Pottery Barn...

I want that, I want that, ooooohhh I want that too.
I want Lulu's room to look like that.
I want Doodah to have all that.

Then I start thinking of the big house I've always dreamed of.
I think of the big yard and a wrap around porch.
Nice cars and vacations.

Usually, typically, all those thoughts would be the result of having a husband that had a great income.

Not anymore.

Now, it's up to me. And if I know me, my odds for getting the big nice house and Pottery Barn furniture, are way better, now that I have full control.

Then into William Sanoma, $50 for a popsicle maker!
There are all the beautiful cookbooks that will fill my future kitchen.
The amazing appliances that will sit on my granite countertops.
The unnecessary spices that I'll have for a special occasion.
Even a thing that will shape cooked eggs into heart shapes.

I will have my $50 popsicle maker!
And I'll get it all by myself!

So there.

Can't Run....No Kidding

Profound ME.

As you were jogging along your beautiful path getting to your destination,
Suddenly out of no where, a bear comes along drags you for a while and slowly tears your legs off.

There are no words to describe the pain.

The bear is gone now. Your legs are gone.
Yet you still have somewhere to go.
It is your purpose in life to reach that destination.
You know, that even without legs, you have to get there.

How will you get there?
Running and jogging is all you know, it's all you've ever done.

You get so angry that you can't run.
"This isn't how it's suppose to be done."
"It just doesn't feel the same!"


You're going to have to suck it up and crawl until your arms get stronger and you can go faster and faster, then along the way you might find some new legs, and before you know it you'll be running again. On BRAND NEW LEGS probably even faster and stronger than before.

Don't expect to run, just start crawling cause it's all you can do.

Unexpected Hug

When you don't have.....
...someone to snuggle with.
...your kids to hold.
...someone to hold you.
...loving eyes to look into.
...a comforting voice to listen to.
...a hand to hold.

The simplest things mean so much.

I visited a friend, gave hugs all around.
Then unexpectedly her 2 yr old held his hands up,
I picked him up and he held me so tight for so long.

How did he know?

Just to have those little arms around me, reminded me that I exist.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Long Distance Mom

I'm trying to get creative as I search for ways to be 'Mom' 400 miles away.

Lulu and I sing songs over the phone. I play songs for her on youtube and we both dance.
She says, "guess what I'm doing now?"
I say: Jumping?
She says, "Nope, cheering"

I call everyday, but they are little and mostly distracted.
I feel selfish calling them and taking them away from the fun things they are doing.

I taught Doodah "Hickory Dickory Dock" this week.
We've also been working on "This little piggy".

One night I read them a story, but don't know how much they actually paid attention.
Their Dad is a much better story teller than me.

I sent a package in the mail, full of just fun things.
It was so great to hear how excited they were. So, nice to know I was a part of their day.
Just shopping for them through out my day, makes me feel more connected.

There has to be more I can do.
I should start 'skyping'.

I can't wait to be 'everyday mom' again!
Going to the store is just plain boring without crazy kids.

Goodbye Mookie

I will never forget the sound and smell of the rain as we sat in your attic apartment.

The first date, Desperado.

You teaching me to play the drums.

The phone calls from the hotel front desk while I worked as a housekeeper.


The dream wedding proposal in Grand Central Station.

The hallway house.

The Pink Surprise Birthday party.

The amazing anniversary Surprise.

The trip to Mesquite.

Hypno Birthing classes.

The first time I saw you hold your daughter and son.

Listening to your songs.

Listening to Dooda sing with you.

and so much more....I'm so grateful to have shared some of your best moments.

I loved you, I loved you forever.

Use to be your Princess,

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


When will I....?

Come home and kiss someone hello?
hear the words, I love you?
have someone tell me, "you're beautiful?"
kiss someone goodbye?

need to buy a tie?
find whiskers in the bathroom sink?
roll over and feel 'him' laying there?
sit together as a husband, wife and our kids?

have 'date night' again?
worry if I've shaved my legs or not?
have a reason to buy lingerie?

I guess I shouldn't be worried about any of this until I'm actually DIVORCED!
It's weird to say...I REALLY wish I wasn't married anymore.

Sure would be nice to be single, since I'm living a single life.
It feels kinda inconsistent, to still be married.

as usual......WHATEVER!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

No MOM Car

With my kids at their Dad's for the Summer, I can clean my car and have it STAY clean.

What a concept!?

So, I spent 3 hours on my car today.
I cleaned areas that I didn't ever know were dirty.

It looks and smells brand new.
I will enjoy it while it lasts.

But, I still look forward to finding fruit snacks smashed into my seats when i take the car seats out. And a gross moldy sippy cup under the set. And my favorite, little footprints on the back of my seat.

Oh, the funny things that I never appreciated.
Can't wait to have my car all messy again!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Not Friends

Dinner Sunday night as a family.

We watch our show, that we use to watch every Sunday night.

We talk about work and joke about the show.

Everything is just as it should be, friends.
I feel safe.
I feel respected.
I feel fine.
No more hurt.
No more anger.
No more lies.
Weird, yes. But, good, for what we have been given.

Next day, go to sign the papers. It will finally be done.
No more fighting.
No more threats.
Just DONE.

But, NO. Something else, once again.


More fighting
More threats
More craziness
More fear

This needs to be done, for my kids' sake.
We have to try to be friends, for them.

They need us, married or not, they need US.
So, we have to figure out a new US.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

3 Day Mom

My kids are with their Dad all Summer.

A 7 hour drive keeps us apart while I work to start a new life.

I show up for 3 days to visit the 2 people that give me my reason to continue living.

Sippy cups
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
Breaking up fights
Little clothes
wiping bottoms
Messes, messes, messes

Day 1- I felt guilty because I wasn't use to the constant demands and bickering over things like the color of cup someone wants. I guess I expected just hugs, kisses, giggling, and sweetness all day.

Day 2- Woke up appreciating every moment, even the annoying ones. Stayed away from distractions, like my phone and computer. We played and played. No worries, just loved all of it.

Day 3- Still to come. I find myself dreading tomorrow, because I will have to leave. And no matter what I have done the past 3 days it won't feel like enough.

I know having been here will make my life there feel even more lonely. But, I don't have a choice, so once again, I will make the best of it. (I'm so sick of doing that)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

My New Life

Work night shifts now. 60 hours this week.

No kids.

No Dinner.

No Dishes.

No Grocery Shopping.

Still make my bed.
Still vac my room.

No sillyness.
No cartoons.
No sippy cups.
No little clothes.
No runny noses.
No piano.
No goodnight kisses.

Just work. Just sleep. Work, sleep, eat, work, work, sleep, eat, sleep, work, work, CRY, sleep.

But, the voice on the phone makes me smile, and it's all okay.

Miss my Life

What I wouldn't give to go back to:

7am he gets up, I hear the shower turn on.

Dooda comes in asking for "Hot chocat"
Crawl out of bed and down stairs to find a sippy for chocat milk.

Turn Dora on and start on dishes. Put some bacon in a frying pan.
Feeling ambicious, and start some French Toast, he loves French Toast.

Set the table. Lulu comes down and watches cartoons. I get her some juice.

He comes down in his collared shirt and fixes his tie in the mirror by the kitchen table.
He walks into the garage to feed the dog. Comes into the kitchen and says, "mmm smells good"

He goes and sits down at the piano and plays the songs he has written over the years.
Dooda goes and starts singing with him next to him on the bench.

Breakfast is ready and we all sit down. I get up and down flipping more and more French Toast.
Dooda spills his juice, and Lulu poors way too much syrup on her plate.

He gets his jacket from the hall closet, says goodbye. Kisses to everyone.
Goes to his care. A few minutes later he comes back in because he forgot his briefcase.

I give him another kiss. And say, see you at lunch.

I clean up breakfast and clean the kitchen. Kids are rowdy and the neighbor kids come over, everyone is still in their jammies. I'm still in my pj's doing house work.

I check my email, talk on the phone, make the bed, put the clothes away, clean up spilled cereal that has smashed into the carpet, and match the socks.

Kids go to the neighbors, I jump in the shower, before he gets home for lunch, so I don't look gross. I whip something together for lunch. It's still in the oven when he gets home. He goes across the street to get the kids and they come bustling back. He plays in the front yard with them. The dog barks for her ball to be thrown.

Then lunch.

He kisses everyone goodbye.

I take the kids to the Library. We hang out and play until about 4:30. Then i rush around the house making it look presentable. Thrown dinner together.

I'm putting the forks on the table when he gets home. He say's, "mm smells good"
We sit down and have dinner. I head out to book club. Get home and kiss the kids goodnight. He is checking his email in the office. We watch an episode of our favorite sitcom.

He brushes his teeth as I browse a magazine laying in bed. He walks out of the bathroom and I look up and smile at him. He puts his glasses on and grabs his book. I scoot a little closer, roll over and fall asleep as he reads.


Can Happiness come too soon?

Is it possible to be happy too soon after a tragedy?

When is it okay to smile and laugh?

If I'm happy does it make what happened okay?

When I find an amazing new life, will it justify what they did?

Will he say to me..."see, I knew you would be better off?"

What if I feel happy already?

If other people still hurt, am I suppose to still be angry?

What if I found something/someone that makes me really really happy? Can I have it now?
Or is it too soon? What would people think?