Sunday, February 28, 2010


There is only so long you can hold on to, "that's not how he really is", or "this isn't him, he's just in a bad place."

I hope for his sake that this isn't how he really is. But, the unrepairable damage has been done.

I keep thinking, tomorrow it will get better. Maybe this conversation will change everything. Maybe tomorrow he'll be what he needs to be for all of this to get better. And disappointment, after disppointment I have to come to grips with, "I'm not married anymore."

I'm not a wife. I don't go on group dates with my friends. I don't have dinner on the table when he gets home. I don't say "have a good day honey." I don't bring him cookies at work. I don't buy him a new tie. I don't leave notes on his bathroom mirror. I don't know where he is tonight. I don't have sex, that one is one of the worst!

He's never going to make me feel better. I need to fill the holes with something good and keep moving forward.

I never wanted to know how marriages ended. But, soon, too soon, I will know. And that will be that. An entire lifetime, and possible eternity, just over. It's just over. It hurts so bad sometimes, you think maybe the lying and the cheating hurts less. Maybe I would rather do that than this. They both hurt. The peace I have found is in my Savior and staying close to him. He has carried me through this entire process. When I put my thoughts towards him, everything seems to feel more managable.

Only I can take myself from this hurt and anger by forgiving. As unbearable as this continues to be, it is only through my Heavenly Father that I have become strong enough to keep going.

I need to find myself. I need to let myself feel happiness. I feel guilty right now, searching for happiness, when my family was just destroyed. What positive thing can you possibly think of? I pray for the strength to finish what I know is necessary. I pray for peace. I pray for my children to have joy and fulfillment in their daily life. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for courage. I pray for him. I pray for her. I pray for her family. I pray for all the many people that have been effected that they might have a forgiving heart and find peace. This will not be over until everyone has found peace.

At this time, I am taking myself out of this situation. There is nothing to hold on to. Everytime I try to grab for something, I end up drownding. I will not be a victim any longer. I will not be a part of this chaos anymore. I will fight for myself as a mother, and as a daughter of God.

My children need me more than ever right now. I will be there for them. I will be the best I can for them. They will feel loved, and safe, and cared for. I will be an example for them. I will do what is right. I will serve others. I will quickly take care of the necessaties and do what the Lord requires of me. I will no longer ponder my decision. I know it is right. I know the Lord is with me. I do not need to justify my decision. This is where I am and what I have been given. I will continue to march! I will not waiver. I will be a rock that others can lean on.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Just go to bed

It's way too late. I should just go to sleep. My mind is running in every direction.
I'm obligated, because of my children, to make this marriage work. I'm suppose to exhaust every possibility of putting it back together. Will I ever feel like me, the person i know I should be, while in this marriage?

Why on the day that I tell him my final decision is to Divorce, do I feel like he is my best friend? Why do I suddenly want to hang out with him? Why do I suddenly think, maybe all this stuff isn't that big of a deal?

Or, maybe i should seriously just go to sleep. My head is always so much more clear in the morning. I should have a strict 10pm bedtime, so that my head doesn't get the chance to go crazy.

Why was I in the deepest depression the last few days, and then the day that I decide to actually fill out the paper work, do I feel so much better, but yet question my decision? Shouldn't I know to stick with what feels better?

Now, I'm starting to fall asleep. So turn off head of mine!!! Just go to bed.

Good Night!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Everything's just gone

We had moved 2 years ago. I jumped in with both feet and worked my hardest to build a new life. I didn't think I could be as happy as I was. He had everything he ever wanted and in a small town, i had discovered what was important to me.

Then, without warning, he lit a match to my life. And over the last few months I have watched my life go up in flames. The flames are dying down and I'm starting to see that there is nothing left.

Now, I can't stay here. I have to walk away. It's all gone.

It was ours, and now everything all day, is a heart wrenching reminder that it is gone.
I'm exhausted by trying to find away to stop the fire. And now, I have to find the strength to pick up the pieces that I can, put myself back together, walk away, and rebuild something new.

But, today I sit in my wheel barrow and cry, waiting for the moment I can get out and pick up the pieces without getting burned.