Reality

There is only so long you can hold on to, "that's not how he really is", or "this isn't him, he's just in a bad place."

I hope for his sake that this isn't how he really is. But, the unrepairable damage has been done.


I keep thinking, tomorrow it will get better. Maybe this conversation will change everything. Maybe tomorrow he'll be what he needs to be for all of this to get better. And disappointment, after disppointment I have to come to grips with, "I'm not married anymore."



I'm not a wife. I don't go on group dates with my friends. I don't have dinner on the table when he gets home. I don't say "have a good day honey." I don't bring him cookies at work. I don't buy him a new tie. I don't leave notes on his bathroom mirror. I don't know where he is tonight. I don't have sex, that one is one of the worst!


He's never going to make me feel better. I need to fill the holes with something good and keep moving forward.

I never wanted to know how marriages ended. But, soon, too soon, I will know. And that will be that. An entire lifetime, and possible eternity, just over. It's just over. It hurts so bad sometimes, you think maybe the lying and the cheating hurts less. Maybe I would rather do that than this. They both hurt. The peace I have found is in my Savior and staying close to him. He has carried me through this entire process. When I put my thoughts towards him, everything seems to feel more managable.


Only I can take myself from this hurt and anger by forgiving. As unbearable as this continues to be, it is only through my Heavenly Father that I have become strong enough to keep going.


I need to find myself. I need to let myself feel happiness. I feel guilty right now, searching for happiness, when my family was just destroyed. What positive thing can you possibly think of? I pray for the strength to finish what I know is necessary. I pray for peace. I pray for my children to have joy and fulfillment in their daily life. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for courage. I pray for him. I pray for her. I pray for her family. I pray for all the many people that have been effected that they might have a forgiving heart and find peace. This will not be over until everyone has found peace.


At this time, I am taking myself out of this situation. There is nothing to hold on to. Everytime I try to grab for something, I end up drownding. I will not be a victim any longer. I will not be a part of this chaos anymore. I will fight for myself as a mother, and as a daughter of God.


My children need me more than ever right now. I will be there for them. I will be the best I can for them. They will feel loved, and safe, and cared for. I will be an example for them. I will do what is right. I will serve others. I will quickly take care of the necessaties and do what the Lord requires of me. I will no longer ponder my decision. I know it is right. I know the Lord is with me. I do not need to justify my decision. This is where I am and what I have been given. I will continue to march! I will not waiver. I will be a rock that others can lean on.