Here we go again

(journal entry from when it all began)


Why isn't this getting better?!

I haven't slept for a week.

I thought this was over, but find out more lies.

I wait til you are in bed to leave my room.
I'm hungry but, don't feel like eating.

I turn the tv on in hopes it will occupy my thoughts.
It's even more painful to realize I can't even pay attention to the tv.

Tears stream down my face.
My crying becomes silent. 'Breath' I remind myself.
I'm annoyed by hearing myself.
Wish I would just go away.

So, I get in the car with no where to go.
I drive, screaming, SCreaming, SCREAMINGGG!!!

My body is shaking. I want to tear my hair out.
I try to pray. But, don't know what to pray for.

So, I just sit waiting for myself to stop trembling.
Wait for the tears to run out.
Wait for my breathing to return to normal.

Drive back. Walk to my room.
No one has noticed I left.
No one comes to see if I'm okay.

I lay alone in the dark staring at the ceiling.
Waiting for my body to fall asleep.

Then, I wake up a few hours later.
Get juice for the kids, turn cartoons on, do the dishes,
and another day begins.