Family Videos

I was with my family today. I have an amazing family.

Everything a family can be, they are.

At first it feels so nice to be around all the love, all the wholeness of all the families.

But, after a bit, after watching home movies, watching husbands sit by their wives, or give loving looks across a crowd of people, it starts all the questions of when will I have a whole family again? Having kids get to pick Mom or Dad's lap and then switch when they want. Watching a mom ask her husband to get their daughters shoes while she changes their sons diaper. Stupid things like that, make me miss my simple boring married life.

What will my kids' home videos look like? When I put together a missionary farewill video for Doodah, what will flash across the screen? Somehow, what seems like seperate lives to me, will be his one life. He won't get a graduation picture with his Mom and Dad's arms around him. He won't get his wedding picture with his parents holding hands.

How did this happen?! My life is now the way I want it, but it's not anything they deserve or will want. They deserve better.

Weird and Random

A few weeks ago I decided to get some nice expensive salon Shampoo.

Then I got my hair cut.
Then I colored it.
I've been out in the sun alot.

My hair started being really weird. Felt like it hadn't been washed for a few days.
I stripped it with Apple Cider Vinegar, a little better, but just not normal.

So, then I did the math and realized that it had to be my 'awesome' new Shampoo.
Went to WalMart, got some good 'ol Pantene and Waallah, instantly back to silky smooth hair!

What a relief, I thought my hair was ruined!

P.S. nice to blog about something 'normal'.

Best for them

I read a book about keeping kids out of the middle.

It was interesting to learn that one of the most important things is to give the kids closure.
To not give then any sense of false hope.

That means that having both parents sit down for dinner, or have both parents at the original 'home' would only be confusing and giving them a false sense of hope.

What is most important is to give them confidence and security in the new seperate lives that each parent is building.

So, don't fall into the trap of 'but it's for the kids' , 'we should do what's best for them'. What is best for them is to know that it's going to be okay having one kind of life with Mom and another kind of life with Dad. What they need is consistent confidence that this new Divorce life is going to be okay.

Wit u Mom

Doodah melts my heart every morning.

I hear my door open, i roll over and we are face to face.

"I sleep wit u, mom?"

Ya. I pull him up. He puts his little hands on my face and insists on me holding his other hand.
He will get tired and wiggle away, but it doesn't take long before those tiny hands are looking for me again. He will play with my hair and tickle my arm.

Sometimes it's so much that it brings tears to my eyes. How does this tiny little boy know that I desperately need to know I'm needed? And just a soft touch and sweet smile of love gives me everything I need to build a whole new life.

I love you Doodah!

Hug it Out

My Lulu and I have always had an 'intense' relationship. Since Day 1 she was a Daddy's girl and we instantly had too much in common, head strong and determined, and that has made for some frustrating days.

But, recently, when the emotions get a little escalated, and frustration is setting in. I look at her with a smerk on my face and ask her if we're gonna need to 'hug it out'. She stays angry and stomps her feet and yells NO! I grab her and squeeze her tight. She fights it and I say, Oh I guess we're gonna have to hug it out longer than I thought. I don't let go until we're both laughing and she says 'I love you Mom'.

So, not only have I illiminated frustrating situations, I get more hugs and more 'I love you's' from my cutest, most determined little girl. I love you Lulu!

Just good

For being forced to start my life completely over, I'd say I have a pretty great start.

Thanks to all my family and friends, I'm back on my feet.

My kids are happier than they've been in a long time. I'm a better mom than I've been in a long time. We all have so much to look forward to. Sports events, Dance classes, New School, new Friends, and coming soon, our new BATHROOM!!! (I'm mostly excited for that).

My cute, new, little family, is Happy and Healthy. Can't ask for much more than that! Well, I could, but it's just not gonna happen right now. So, I'll be thrilled with Healthy and Happy.

Need

Have you ever needed something so bad that you physically tremble?

I can't say I've ever been addicted to something, but now I understand the meaning of NEED.

Once you've made something a part of what defines who you are, and then to shut it off and put it away until....?

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT!!!????

I wish I knew, because sometimes it's more than I can take.

And it's not FAIR!

End of the Divorce Diet

I guess when you're not...
Stressed to the max everyday.
So depressed you want to die.
Fasting until you pass out (literally)
Working out, because you don't know what else to do.
Pass on cake because it will make you more depressed.

And instead can overly enjoy spoonfuls of cookie dough that your mom makes.
Get 3 cakes for your birthday.
And think, I have no dates to go on, mine as well eat cake!

Then, one would tend to gain some weight back, dang it!!!,
(I need some 'crazy' back in my life)

Maybe running around with my kiddos will do the trick...here's to hoping! (or should I say 'hopping' that would burn more calories)

Anyway, got to go do some jumping jacks or something, ugh.

Cold feet

Last night I woke up to find myself looking for warm legs to tuck my cold feet under.

What a devastating realization, when I realized my current situation.

You would think after sleeping by myself now for almost a year, I wouldn't do things like that.

Sometimes I just miss someone being there for me. Someone that I chose to be mine.
Someone that loves me because they choose to. Someone that I can tuck my cold feet under.

Suddenly Mom!

The majority of my journal entries for the Summer have been:
"Slept, worked out, went to work"

Now in 1 day:

Chores. Crafts. Messes. Breakfast.
11am- pack lunches. Park.
2pm- meet preschool teacher. Snuggle time. Snack.
4:30pm- get everyone ready to go. Leave for Dance.
5pm-Dance Class.
6pm- meet GandG with kids.
7pm- Drop off Product for Charity
8pm- at Work

What did I use to do all day, without random messes to clean up?!

I'm loving the chaos! I'm loving the kisses and the little hands.
I'm loving the Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. My ears still need to get use to it, but..I LOVE IT!

Which is my real house?

While riding in the car today.
Listening to the Disney Radio Station.
On our way to the Grocery Store.

Out of the blue: "Mom, which house is my real house?"

Me: "Well, Mom's house is your real house during school. And Dad's house is your real house during the Summer."

I hate that she has to figure this all out too.

What makes you tick?

What makes your head start spinning?

What makes you walk a little taller?

What makes you feel unstoppable?

What makes you feel alive?

You know...the feeling that you aren't in your head, you are living for real, you just doing and being. You talk a little faster, you walk a little taller.

For me, it's business. Don't know how or when that happened. It thrills me. I went to a Wholesale trade show yesterday. I can feel the buzz of new ideas and excitement of success. I talk to new companies with all the hope and dreams that come with a new idea becoming reality. My head can't stop racing through all the things it could become.

I find myself jumping both feet back into my passion. Emails, phone calls, meetings, samples, propects, appointments, penciling in business trips, and my heart races and I'm FINALLY out of my head. I'm alive. I'm living.

Sometimes you'll find that you get trapped in your own head. Don't know how to get out. Just know that by getting back into what makes me 'tick' I'm finally out!

Find what makes you tick. It could save your life someday.

Design it, Build it

I can make up my new life however I want.

I can pick and choose what friends I have, what relationships I have.
I can choose what I spend my time on.

I can choose where I live and where I work.

I can eat how I want.
I can be how I want.

I guess all this existed before. Why didn't it feel like this?
I literally feel like I can just pick things off a shelf of what I want, and put things back that I don't want.

I'm in my 'Design' phase. I'm saving, thinking, molding, envisioning, day dreaming of my new life and what it will consist of. When everything is in place the building will begin. Preparation is key. This time it will be done my way, even better than the first.

I break out my Ikea catalog...read parenting books...read business books...page through magazines...I need new ideas.

I'm going to build something UNBELIEVABLE!

4 more days

I've been by myself all summer.

I've had to do nothing other than take care of myself.

I can take as long as I want to get ready.
I can take really long showers and really long naps.

I can just put on my jogging clothes and run out the door, whenever.
I can go to work early and get home late.

I don't have to do laundry unless I want to wear clean things.
I don't have to eat or fix any meals.

There are no 'timeouts' in my world. There is no discipline, no fights, no runny noses, no spills, or bedtime stories.

There have been no snuggles, no little hugs, no little kisses, no "mommy mommy".

I'm ready to give up all the 'me' time for all the runny noses, nagging, spilled milk, whining, tiredness, and little hands to hold, and little kisses.

I miss you both so much. You are a part of me, and I can't wait to feel complete again!

What now?

I was a nanny in New York before I got married.

I always thought that I could've been really good at the New York life.

So, is this my chance at success? Should I go all out and make my dream happen of success, business, pant suites, a nanny, live in the city, pick up my daily groceries at the corner market, take the kids to the park, play dates, and vacations to our beach house.

My heart races at the thought of finding success on my own efforts. Being an example to my kids of what their mom is actually capable of. I'm still fairly young. I think I could squeeze in a life of success and business and then still find myself 10 years down the road with love and maybe another chance at marriage.

I might just jump. I could be really great at this. As much as I want to stay home and bake cookies, and garden, I just did that and I was good at it. So maybe I should see how I do in something totally different.

Save my money. Explore all my options and connections. Keep my mind open. Work hard. Stay focused. No more distractions. I have a lot to accomplish in this life. I better get a move on.

All by Myself

I can get my car towed, all by myself.

I can get my bills paid, all by myself.

I can move my family to another state, all by myself.

I can take care of me and my family, all by myself.

I don't need someone to take out my trash, or take care of my car, or pay my bills, or put food on the table, or help on vacation, or help with dishes, or ANYTHING!

I can and will do this ALL BY MYSELF.
The idea of sharing my life with someone sounds nice, but I have to first create a life so that I have something to share.

But, even the idea of 'sharing' what I will have created...terrifies me.
I might want to just keep it all to myself.

Crazy

I use to listen to the radio and think "why don't these songs have feeling to me anymore?"

I was muted. I was content.

Then all of a sudden, every song makes me feel something.
Everything is in extremes now.

I feel ALIVE.
I feel AWAKE.
I feel like ME.
I feel PASSION.
I feel THRILLED.
I feel a little CRAZY.

Somedays I think, how can I possibly think my life is so great? But, when you realize that you are stronger than you ever thought you were. When you realize that you can overcome ANYTHING. You are suddenly ready to conquer the world!

BRING IT ON!

Tiny things matter

You know when you want to lose weight or gain muscle?

It seems like such a long, painful, frustrating road. It doesn't seem like eating that 1 cookie on Monday would make any difference either way. Or even that 1 extra bite of icecream. Really, what is an extra 50 calories going to do? So, what if I skip a workout. It's not going to make that big of a difference....right?

You are right an extra bite here and missing a work out there, doesn't make a big difference. But, what happens to the person that makes the right decision over the tiny things 50 times in a row? Then you have a HUGE difference!

Today, I got to talk to my kids on Skype. It was great! Talking to them on the phone every day gets frustrating. They are small and don't really carry on a conversation. I just want to hold them and not have to ask them about their day, or what they are doing. I just want to make silly faces and break up fights, and get them juice. But, right now I have to focus on what I can do. And all I can do are tiny tiny things that I have to hope are enough, and that my Heavenly Father will make up for what I can't do. So, the seemingly pointless phone calls add up to something, the silliness on skype today, definantely another tiny step in turning this whole new life into something GREAT!

The tiny tiny things matter the most! Plus, the tiny things are usually all we are allowed to control anyway. After the tiny stuff its all faith that the Lord will make up the rest.

So, get excited about the tiny things. Be thrilled to pass up that extra bite. Applaud when you read an uplifting story other than watch smut on TV. Smile while you once again, for the thousandth time, kindly tell your child to go to bed...cause it matters!

YAY for the Tiny Things!