To 'you'

You lost your family too.
You lost your home, and your comfort too.

Your life is all new too.

Now, that it's all said and done, it doesn't really matter who's at fault.

I just hope you can find the peace and joy that everyone seeks to have in this life.

And to all YOU that have been effected by this tragedy.
It is done. It is now time to move forward.
It is now time to love, and accept this new life.
There is no more heartache, there are no more tears.
Just a hope for a brighter future for everyone.
A new conviction to do our best in this life.
A new determination to make ourselves and our children proud.

It is a new day. Make it great!

All new...EVERYTHING!

In less than 2 weeks I start an entirely new phase of my life.

Not just a new phase, but a whole new life.

I will be a single mom with 2 beautiful kids.
I will work full time, run kids around, pay my own bills, take care of my own car troubles, be on my own budget, family vacations, and events with just us, and do it all just for me and my kids.

We will have new friends, a new church, a new neighborhood, new schools, new activities, a new way of life.

I'd be lying if I said i wasn't scared. But, I've gotten through more than I thought I ever could, so I know I can do this.

I will make this life good, no....GREAT!

I only have to say goodbye 1 more time.

I'm so grateful for strong, happy, determined kids.
They have been amazing through this whole thing!

Finally...I fixed it!

Well, just goes to show that bad things continue to happen to good people. Even when REALLY bad things have already happened.

My car broke down and is costing me more than an entire pay check....frustrating.

Thought my blog was gone forever...sad.

Had a toenail get ripped off...ouch!

But, that's life. We will forever get dealt what we get dealt, and most of the time we won't have planned for it, or wanted it, or asked for it.

But it is what it is, so now what are you going to do with it?

That is the true question and test of faith. It's never about what you have been dealt, or what you haven't. It's not about what the other players have been dealt. It's about what you do with the hand you've been given.

So...when life happens, shrug your shoulders and go ALL IN!

Rip my Heart Out

I have just a moment to say goodbye while passing through.

I hold him as long as I can. I play with her as much as you can in just a few moments.

I hug them, kiss them. Tell them I will see them next week.

He climbs in my car before I can stop him...'I come wit you, mommy'

I kiss him, set him on the porch next to his wonderful Grandma.

She holds his hand. As I run to my car and jump in I hear him yelling, LET GO! LET ME GO! I NEED MY MOMMY!

I have to hurry and close the door and drive away as fast as I can. I can't think.
There is nothing I can do. It's not my turn with my kids.

It will be soon.

You should never have to take turns with your own kids.

Obtain a more 'bitti' quality.

Meek, mild, patient, kind, selfless, sweet, giving.

Clean, cook, craft, organize, plan, prepare.

Healthy, pretty, in style, put together.

What's missing????....

Excuse my language, but....BITCHY.

Yes...I said it. We all need a little more of that in us.
When something is wrong, we need to be BOLD, and COURAGEOUS.
You might offend people, even those you love.
You might start a conflict.

But, there are certain things that you simply should NOT stand for.
You know what those things are. If you don't like them, then don't tolerate them in your home or in your life...PERIOD!

Take a stand, get mad, get angry, stir the pot, rock the boat.
FIGHT!!! Fight for your marriage, fight for you family, fight for everything you know to be true.

And fight against everything you know is NOT true.

You are the MOM, you are a WOMAN. You are ROCKSTAR. Protect your family against everything that will destroy it. Don't just let another week, or another year pass you by. Start NOW! Go CRAZY. Make yourself, your kids, and your Creator proud.

Don't justify it. Simply ask yourself, is this right? Is this what I would choose to have in my home? If the answers are no...then you know what you have to do.

GO.

Necessities for Survival

How did I survive?

1. Pray
2. Pray
3. Study Scriptures
4. Go to the Temple
5. Friends (thank goodness for a great cell phone plan)
6. Get Away (quick weekend trips, or a long 5 day Vegas trip)
7. Counseling
8. New Clothes (feel confident)
9. Work out ( a lot)
10. Eat Well (control what you can)

You have to rule out anything that you can control that will make you feel worse. I knew that if I ate unhealthy I would feel worse, i couldn't afford to feel any worse. I took care of myself. I made sure I felt my best every time he came around. It gave me strength.

FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT!

Patience

What is patience?

Is it the ability to sit quietly in a waiting room?

Is it staying calm while at a stop light?

Is it being happy knowing blessings will come?

Maybe, it's all those things...but PATIENCE is more than the absence of impatience.
Patience requires ACTION.

Patience is when you DO the right thing, even when you don't understand how it's going to get you what you want.
Patience is when you KEEP the commandments despite knowing when the blessings will come.
Patience is BEING a good example when it doesn't serve an immediate positive result.
Patience is GIVING to the Lord your pride and the need to control outcomes.

Patience sometimes hurts; like waiting for Christmas morning, or waiting for your loved one to step off the plane. Patience, in fact, usually hurts ie; Pregnancy.

So, why would you expect patience for a new life, a new love to not hurt? It hurts, it aches, at times completely, overwhelmingly consuming.

Just know that it will hurt, there is nothing you can do except endure, because the blessings do and will come. You just have to make sure you STAY STANDING in order to receive them when they arrive.

Here we go again

(journal entry from when it all began)


Why isn't this getting better?!

I haven't slept for a week.

I thought this was over, but find out more lies.

I wait til you are in bed to leave my room.
I'm hungry but, don't feel like eating.

I turn the tv on in hopes it will occupy my thoughts.
It's even more painful to realize I can't even pay attention to the tv.

Tears stream down my face.
My crying becomes silent. 'Breath' I remind myself.
I'm annoyed by hearing myself.
Wish I would just go away.

So, I get in the car with no where to go.
I drive, screaming, SCreaming, SCREAMINGGG!!!

My body is shaking. I want to tear my hair out.
I try to pray. But, don't know what to pray for.

So, I just sit waiting for myself to stop trembling.
Wait for the tears to run out.
Wait for my breathing to return to normal.

Drive back. Walk to my room.
No one has noticed I left.
No one comes to see if I'm okay.

I lay alone in the dark staring at the ceiling.
Waiting for my body to fall asleep.

Then, I wake up a few hours later.
Get juice for the kids, turn cartoons on, do the dishes,
and another day begins.

Tooth Fairy

She lost her first tooth. I wasn't there.

She lost her second tooth. I wasn't there.

How do you be a Tooth Fairy from 500 miles away?
You don't.

I'm suppose to be able to write a cute note, show my husband, have him put in a few dollars,
sneak in her room and put it under her pillow.

With my husband's arms wrapped around me, we would look at our beautiful daughter in awe, and wonder how she got so big.

I never thought being a Tooth Fairy would feel this important to me.

Retail Therapy

Oh yeah!!! It works.

Crappy day= New apron from Anthropology= CUTER crappy day.

Sad day= full price Banana Republic t shirt, hot new jeans, also full price= CONFIDENT sad day.

Mad day= buy all new summer clothes for the kids= still mad, but a good mom day.

Who cares day= 4 pairs of new shoes in less than an hour= care even less, and I love my shoes day. (yeah that one's for you...sport).

Lonely day= New perfume= Just in case I'm not lonely, I smell good day.

Sometimes racking up the credit card is a good thing, when it saves your sanity.

So Good!

I'm with my kids all week!

I plan on cramming an entire summer of memories into 7 days.

Popsicles
Mud
Sprinklers
All day in Swimsuits
All day at the waterpark
Family and Friends
Baseball
Crafts
Summer songs
Sunscreen
Beach Towels

Today we went to the Children's Museum and then the Big Fountain.
It was amazing! Giggles, Silliness, Goofy faces, funny songs, juice boxes, sunscreen, and just simply what being a Mom should be everyday!

You forget that you don't normally dance in the middle of the park, singing Taylor Swift songs, when you're by yourself. But, when your with kids, you can show up to the bank with nothing but your swim suit on and as long as your kids are in theirs, yur good!

-nothing sad happened, nothing sad even crossed my mind-

Sunday Thoughts

Prayer....

Prayer is interesting, yet so simple. Don't make it more complicated than it is.

What would you do if you wanted to develop a relationship with someone?
Hmmm, maybe TALK to them? You might think about them during the day.
You might actually try to get to know them.

So...if you want to have a relationship with your Father in Heaven, what might be the best way of doing that?

Does a prayer count when you are laying in your bed, with no words to say, only tears. You can't find the strength to kneel let alone fold your arms correctly. There you are just flat on your back starring at the ceiling, just begging for anything. Is that prayer?

When your driving in the car and you get so scared to turn the corner and see 'her' there, and you simply ask, please give me peace. Is that prayer?

YES.

Prayer is simply communicating with your Heavenly Father.

He will answer you. Sometimes as boldly as instantaneous peace. Sometimes wrapping his warmth around you so you can sleep. Sometimes it is clarity for things to come. Most of the time it is simple answers that we don't want to hear. Like: 'go to bed', or 'stop crying, and get off the floor', or 'call your friend'.

Sometimes he sends people to you, like a familiar face on a plane ride. Sometimes a friend at the door during a desperate time. Sometimes a child giving you a hug.

Our prayers are answered constantly, most of the time the answers are too simple and too easy to recognize.

Don't complicate things, he wants to bless you. He is answering you. Let Him.

---and that is Prayer according to me----

Happy 4th!

INDEPENDENCE DAY....it just seems to have a different ring to it this year, hmmm?

I get my kids today!!!

I get to be a real Mom!

I feel like I've been emotionally unavailable since September.

They have their Mom back. She's better than ever!

Why blog?

This is my therapy.

Every story, every thought that I write no longer lingers in my head.

I don't write to hurt, or blame, or for revenge...I write for me and that's it.

I write from my perspective and realize that there are many many things that I don't know, and don't ever want to know. This is just simply my story of what I went through, and how I felt.

My hope would be that I could give someone hope through my tragedy.
I could make a spouse be extra grateful and work harder.
I could help a mom hold her kids a little tighter that day.
Give strength to another person paralyzed by an unfaithful spouse.

So...if you have a happy, healthy family today, smile at them, laugh with them, hold them tight. Put your arms around your spouse, kiss them, look at them, and tell them you love them, just simply because you can.

Because I can't...and I ache for the day when I will be able to do it all again.

Movie Quote

You Don't need a MAN,
You need a CHAMPION!

FYI...Eclipse was AWESOME!
When you're single, movies with cute boys (without their shirts on) are way more exciting! he he

Get out of my way

I saw the movie The Blind Side.

I need and want to be more like her.
Even her own husband is a little bit afraid of her.

He knows he has to let her be everything she is.
He lets her and expects her to. He laughs when it's a little too much, but watches in admiration for her courage and ability. He cheers her on and backs her up. He holds her when she gets exhausted. But, stays out of her way when she is running.

I will no longer stagger, I am a runner. Get the hell out of my way.
If anyone is going to share my life, they better be a damn good cheer leader.

The Process

I never wanted to know how the Divorce process actually works.

But here it is...

Drive to the court house, don't think.
Get the paperwork for a Complaint for Divorce, don't think.
Fill it out, if you don't have an attorney (cheaper without)
Pay your money.

He will get a copy and have 20 days to reply. Or he may just sign it the same day.
Then you can file for temporary custody and support until the divorce is final, just do it right away because it's part of the process, otherwise they may feel threatened by it.

Then you can go to court, or do mediation.
But at this point....GET AN ATTORNEY, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!

Then when all the CRAZY is over you will have an agreement.
and then it's just a matter of signatures.

Yesterday I put my last signature on the last page.

Isn't it sad that in a legal document it states:
"We are no longer able to communicate and no longer love each other as husband and wife."

You pick up your pen while sitting in front of a notary at the bank in the grocery store, and while everyone is coming and going you put your name on the paper, and just like that your marriage is over.

Something that started with a dress, and invitations, dancing, cake, music, a lifetime of planning...ends with ink on paper at the grocery store.

sad, but then you walk out get in your car and continue your awesome day.