When?

When will I....?

Come home and kiss someone hello?
hear the words, I love you?
have someone tell me, "you're beautiful?"
kiss someone goodbye?

need to buy a tie?
find whiskers in the bathroom sink?
roll over and feel 'him' laying there?
sit together as a husband, wife and our kids?

have 'date night' again?
worry if I've shaved my legs or not?
have a reason to buy lingerie?

I guess I shouldn't be worried about any of this until I'm actually DIVORCED!
It's weird to say...I REALLY wish I wasn't married anymore.

Sure would be nice to be single, since I'm living a single life.
It feels kinda inconsistent, to still be married.

as usual......WHATEVER!

Not Friends

Dinner Sunday night as a family.

We watch our show, that we use to watch every Sunday night.

We talk about work and joke about the show.

Everything is just as it should be, friends.
I feel safe.
I feel respected.
I feel fine.
No more hurt.
No more anger.
No more lies.
Weird, yes. But, good, for what we have been given.

Next day, go to sign the papers. It will finally be done.
No more fighting.
No more threats.
Just DONE.

But, NO. Something else, once again.

Why???????!!!!!!

Suddenly:
More fighting
More threats
More craziness
More fear

This needs to be done, for my kids' sake.
We have to try to be friends, for them.

They need us, married or not, they need US.
So, we have to figure out a new US.

Click it Off

I just want to click it off!!!!

After everything he's done. After the lies, the deceit, the abandonment, the betrayal, and so many more things that I can't put into words. I still love him. I still want to come home and just sit with him on the couch. I want to put my arms around him and say, let's just forget about it and start again. It's seems so simple. Just kiss and make up. Tomorrow all of this could just go away and I would have my husband and my family back. If I had a magic remote, I could just "click" it back to the right channel.

But, then I remember....I can't "click" this by myself. My efforts, my words of encouragement and never failing love and commitment are not what will give me the marriage I want. It's all in his hands and he's not choosing me. So, I have to keep going. He wants someone or something else, he must, because he certainly does not want me. He's on a different channel!

Where is the Off Switch? Why do I still love him? It's not fair that he got to be so horrible and I still love him. Will I always love him, and just have to cover it up forever? Will I drop the kids off to him for the weekend and wish he would ask me on a date?

I hate this wishy washy part of me. I should go to sleep and then I will wake up strong again.

Click....OFF(that's better)